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10.28.2003

24 Returns

So the third season of 24 begins tonight at 9:00 pm.

I'm sure you already knew that since you can't avoid the onslaught of advertising.

ass-kicking commencesThe advertising is overboard, sure, and most people are a little bit late to the 24 bandwagon, but who cares? If TV finally does something good, its nice to see people take notice. Anything is better than a flash-in-the-pan reality show.

Part of me really wanted the first season to be the end of it. The ratings weren't so good and Fox thought about cancelling. I thought the second season would never live up to the first and it would just bring down what made the first season so great.

Now the second season wasn't as good as the first, but it was still great, so I'll eat my words. However, I'm still wary that the third season could lose the intensity of the first two.

i kick assBut one thing they really need to pump up is Jack killing people. In the first season, he threatened to torture someone by putting a towel down their throat and using it to rip out the lining on his stomach. And of course he killed about 40 of Victor Drazen's cronies by crashing into a warehouse with a van. Now that's fucking cool.

In season two, not only did he cut off a child molester's head during interrogation, but he also killed a guy with a flamethrower. Now that's fucking cool.

Hopefully they've got a system down now so that Jack gets as many cool kills in as possible.

Either way, everyone's on the 24 bandwagon now, so enjoy it.

10.24.2003

Lesbianism

Okay, yeah, I'm stealing this link from a Fark comment, but I think it's that important.

Gentlemen... BEHOLD!

The Best the Internet Has to Offer


The pictures are virtually endless. It's magical.

Share it with your friends.

Spread the love.

10.22.2003

Shaq Attaq

Any time I see Shaq doing anything, I think comedy is being pushed to its limits. Maybe it's just me, but I would say that Shaq is the most unintentionally funny man to come along since John Travolta.
hoop it up

Now Shaq is no stranger to advertising. I enjoyed his "Shaq Pack" meal at Burger King, I think "Kazaam" was a masterpiece of modern cinema, and most of all, his rap talent is second to none. Perhaps most famous is the "Shaq-Fu" videogame, which I am proud to say I have played and enjoyed.

I even remember his six pack of soda from the early 90s called the "Shaq Paq," which would explain why Burger King's meal lost out with the grammatically correct spelling. Pepsi's 'Q' sure made their product a hell of a lot cooler!

So it was with great joy that I saw Shaq's new commercial for Radio Shack, in which, at the end, our hero suggested that the name of the store be changed to "Radio Shaq."

I was overcome with excitement! Then, I began to wonder... what other avenues could Shaq explore to exploit his image and brand his name? Most importantly, what products could be improved by the trademark 'Q'? Oh, the possibilities...

my chest!HEART ATTAQ

We've all heard of the "Shaq Attaq," and Shaq sure does kill 'em on the court, but heart attacks are the number one killer in America. I think Shaq should champion a series of informative videos on heart attacks.

But as we all know, it's hard to keep people's attention, especially if you're teaching them something that could potentially save their lives.

hilarity ensuesThat's why Shaq should do his videos dressed in the full costume he wore in his movie "Steel."

And he definitely needs to rap at least once whilst demonstrating his "Shaq-Fu" skills for a good cardio workout.

Gotta keep a healthy heart! And who would know better than Shaq?

craq attaqCRAQ

Everyone's favorite cheap and friendly drug is infinitely more entertaining when Shaq is involved. Drugs are the most universal message presented by today's role models as the "in" lifestyle to our kids, but Shaq seems to be missing out on this trend. In turn, he's losing a valuable opportunity to market himself to the youth of America. All the other celebrities are selling it, so why can't Shaq?

the maqBERNIE MAQ

Since Bernie Mac has sunk to filling Bill Murray's shoes in Bill Murray's worst role, his career could use a real boost. And so could Shaq's!

Today's cloning technology could merge Shaq and Bernie Mac, creating Bernie Maq.

I feel quite confident that the creature "Bernie Maq" would undoubtedly be the Antichrist, but I also feel it would make a fantastic publicity stunt. Nothing equals ratings like Armageddon!

So anyhow, congrats to Shaq on his new Radio Shack ad, and also for not being accused of rape like Kobe.

10.20.2003

Geek Fest Flash Movie

Well I put together a rough cut of this movie a few months ago when I was bored, and I found it sitting on my computer tonight, so I figured why the hell not?

So here it is, you can reminisce about Geek Fest 2003 and get psyched for the Matrix Revolutions, which is just about two weeks away. Hard to believe, ain't it?

Matrix Reloaded: Geek Fest Mockery

It's not much, I basically just swapped out some pictures, changed the timing, and alternated some of the black backgrounds to white and vice versa to fit the pictures. But you might get a laugh or two out of it.

As with the video last time, it's a large file, so if it fucks up while you're playing it, just refresh your browser and it should be good to go. Sorry, I don't know how to make Flash load the whole file before it starts playing. I am an idiot.

And, if you're interested, the original Geek Fest promo flash movie I did can be checked out here for a comparison.

Enjoy!

Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I'll get this out of the way: I HATE Michael Bay. I think he represents some of the worst cinema ever created. I love dumb action flicks just as much as the next guy, but "Pearl Harbor," "Bad Boys," and "Armageddon" are so devoid of redeeming qualities that it makes me nauseous. What would you think if, 50 years from now, some Hollywood bigshot decided to make a 9/11 movie and created an overblown opus in the vein of Bay's "Pearl Harbor?"

Sorry.

/Michael Bay rant.

I love the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. No modern pop-culture slasher horror character would exist today if it wasn't for Leatherface. This is the movie that signaled the era of new horror flicks. So when it was announced that Michael Bay, who represents all that is wrong with action movies, was producing a remake of a horror classic... Well, let's just say I wasn't getting my hopes up.

But hey, it turns out the damn thing isn't half bad!

The story here is a departure, but it feels the same. Last time, 5 kids were checking out reports of a grave robbing. This time, they're on their way to a Skynyrd concert. A series of events leads them to Leatherface's lair, and the mayhem ensues.

The best thing about the movie was the lead in to Leatherface's reveal. Rather than having him bust out at you from the opening credits (as I'd assumed Bay would have done), the film sets up a feeling of impending doom. The dread grows to a point where Leatherface's grand entrance is well suited, feels cool, and manages to frighten you all at the same time.

The story takes the route of a psychological thriller in a lot of situations, such as a fantastic scene where R. Lee Ermey (as the town sheriff) forces one of the poor unsuspecting victims to put a gun in his mouth. No big scare, no surprise "boo," just a scene that fucks with your head. To me, that's A LOT scarier than someone jumping from the shadows.

That's not to say the film doesn't stick to its bloody roots. There's plenty of gore, maiming, and disturbing torture scenes. This film isn't for the weak of heart or stomach.

Leatherface just looks cool, too. He still steals people's faces and wears them with pride, and the shots of him running with smoke billowing out of his chainsaw are great. Leatherface is accompanied by his family and also a group of townspeople who are on his side, taking a page out of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre III"'s plotline.

The movie isn't perfect, and it will never compare to the genre-defining original, but you could do a lot worse at the theater. It's a good scare, an appropriate Halloween movie, and most of all, it's a pleasantly gory surprise.

10.16.2003

What's a polite way to say "clean asshole?"
i have a clean assholeSo I saw this commercial with this really hot blonde talking about a toilet.

Now that's something you don't see every day.

Seriously. I've seen tampons, I've seen genital warts, I've seen douches, condoms, herpes, diarrhea, whatever. You'd think that after all that, a toilet commercial would go down easy.

But this isn't any toilet. This is the Washlet, a marvel of modern technology.

You see, this retractable stick comes out after you drop a log and plants itself close to your anus and BLASTS it with refreshing, hot water to leave you with that "clean feeling," as they described it.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future. it blasts your asshole

It's amazing how the commercial dealt with the idea and conveyed its message without becoming offensive or turning off the viewer. Rather than show dingleberries hanging from a man's ass, they show a guy covered in mud trying to wipe himself clean without the aid of water.

What's the solution to this man's problem? He needs water.

Genius! If anything is going to convey to me that I have a dirty asshole, that is it! A dirty man! If I were to compare my personal bathroom wiping experiences to anything, it would most certainly be the Swamp Thing smearing himself clean without the aid of H2O! Thank you for making me see the light!

But it gets better. They have a series of 90 year old couples commenting on the life changing toilet that is the Washlet. I never thought I would hear terms like "confident" or "reassuring" used to describe the effects of a clean asshole.

One woman said it gives her a "boost of energy." I suppose getting water blasted on my ass might make me jumpy too.

I almost want to hear the people say "I LOVE NOT HAVING SKID MARKS ON MY UNDERWEAR ANYMORE!" or "HOORAY! MY ANUS IS FECES-FREE!"

The real icing on the cake is the fact that "TOTO" makes this toilet. Yeah, I know, I've heard of "TOTO" before, they've been aiding me in disposing of my waste through plumbing for years...

But as if the idea of a computer controlled toilet cleansing my anus wasn't creepy enough, the company who created the robotic ass-cleanser has to be named after that tiny little dog from the Wizard of Oz.

What the hell is wrong with people?

I would think that EVERYONE associates "Toto" with that dog's name. Not with an asshole cleaner.

So yeah, I'm sure this is a fascinating product that will give me that will make me feel "clean," and "confident," but, call me old fashioned, I don't think it's for me.

But hey, don't take my word for it. Just think about Dorothy's little dog the next time you feel "unclean."

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

10.13.2003

Freedom Fighters

Okay, it's about time I come clean with my Freedom Fighters obsession.

I've had this game for about a week and a half now, and I've held off from writing anything about it because I really wanted to divulge myself in this game before passing my opinion on it.

This isn't one of those pick-up-and-play games that you can judge by their cover. This game starts out brilliantly and once you get a hint of the direction it's going in, you know it's going to be something special, if it is executed right. That's a big "if."

Let me explain.

The game is set in New York City. The Russians, for some reason, have decided to take over the world. The plot is pretty thin, but once you get over that, the action is top-notch.

You get dropped into mayhem in the streets with the Russians taking over. People running everywhere, cars blowing up, etc. A friend leads you into the sewers where you join the resistance.

This game, essentially, is the story of your rise to the top of the resistance. When you start out, you're a small fry and you have to get things done on your own. As the story progresses, you start getting noticed by doing things like blowing up bridges, capturing key locations or rescuing prisoners. Some of these actions are required parts of missions, others are extra, optional missions. Either way, completing one of these tasks ups your charisma meter. If you get your charisma up to 100, a soldier, if you tell him to, will follow you around and follow your commands. Every time you get 100 charisma, you can recruit another soldier, but you can only have as many soldiers as you've earned.

This is where things get really cool. As you progress in the game, your charisma keeps increasing, so you get more and more soldiers to follow you and do your bidding. Towards the end of the game you can have a small army of 8 or 9 guys, if you do enough side missions.

By issuing commands, you can tell your soldiers to attack a specific or general area, or to fall back if they're getting their asses beat. It's best to find a high spot and provide cover fire while keeping an eye on your soldiers. If a soldier gets wounded to the point where they cannot fight anymore, you can sacrifice one of your medical kits to heal them - but you have to use these carefully, because they heal you too.

The game uses the Hitman 2 engine, which is absolutely amazing in this game. The ragdoll physics on dead bodies are unbelievable, probably the best this side of Metal Gear Solid 2. It's really satisfying to snipe a guy in a tower and watch him hunch over and slowly slide down until his limp body falls and splats on the ground. Grenades and the lovely rocket launcher send bodies soaring into the air. It's quite a spectacle.

So once I started recruiting soldiers in the game, I thought it was ridiculously cool, but I thought if done poorly in the end, the game could drop the ball. You see, there isn't really much given to you in the way of commands, simply attack, "investigate," or fall back.

The game makes up for it with some great AI. Your fellow freedom fighters find cover behind anything - walls, crates, even light posts. They position themselves well and fire when appropriate. That's not to say you can just send your soldiers off into an ambush. You have to be a smart leader also, and very careful of what you have your soldiers do. My personal strategy is to create a firefight and find an alternate route to sneak up behind the enemy and pick them off one by one as they're engaged in battle with my soldiers.

Each mission in the game has one main objective, but that usually can't be accomplished without doing something ahead of time. To accomplish this, each "level" is divided into three sections, each with their own smaller objective. For example, the main objective on one level is to blow up a Soviet supply bridge. The bridge is located in one of the three sections within the level. You can't get there because a huge helicopter with big ass guns keeps killing you. One of the other sections has the helipad where the helicopter is parked. But you can't blow that up without some C4. The third section of the level has C4 hidden in it. Get the C4, blow up the helicopter, and then you can blow up the bridge.

What you do in one section of the level affects the other sections. Another example, although more subtle: if you blow up a building in one part of town, you can see it in the distance in another section of the level. Very cool.

The presentation is fantastic. The graphics are really special, with all kinds of cool scenery in the background like burning buildings or the New York skyline, most of which is polygonal as opposed to a giant, boring texture. In between levels, you see news clips from the Soviet-run news, with the occasional hilarious press conference by the Russian General Tatankarin. The soundtrack is filled with atmospheric Russian vocals that add to the overall universe.

In short, Freedom Fighters is an extremely fun action game with a great method of controlling fellow troops that adds a new dimension to the genre. If you find yourself a fan of both the action of Max Payne and the strategy of Warcraft III, this is the game for you.

10.12.2003

Review: Kill Bill

Caught a late showing of Kill Bill Vol. 1 last night. I've really been looking forward to this film for awhile, seeing as how it's been some time since Quentin Tarantino released his last flick, Jackie Brown.

My feelings going into the movie were mixed. I kept myself away from most spoilers, as to not ruin the experience, but I knew that this was filmed as one movie and the studio decided to cut it into two. Unlike Lord of the Rings and the Matrix sequels, which were concieved as seperate films when shot, this was intended to be one film. I thought this could be disasterous for Tarantino's modern kung fu epic.

Thankfully, the movie didn't disappoint.

This is, by far, the most violent American film I've seen in some time. The violence is extremely over the top and, in a sense, cartoonish. While the level of violence might be unsettling for some, I felt that it fit the atmosphere of the film perfectly. One of the film's backstories is actually a portion of the film done totally in anime, further supporting the overdone violence.

What I enjoyed most about the film was the barrage on the senses. As with previous Tarantino films, the soundtrack is brilliant. This man has some good taste in music. There's a lot of elements of funk and hip-hop, plus classics. Hell, the movie kicks off with a somber Nancy Sinatra song.

Visually, the film is no let down either. The anime sequence is well done, and mirrors the action of the film in a lot of ways. The film's grand finale is a battle between Lucy Liu and Uma Thurman in a white Japanese garden with snow falling. The setting is extremely epic.

I found it refreshing that Tarantino's signature self-concious pop culture references are absent from this film. While these social commenataries were entertaining in Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and Jackie Brown, their notoriety has gotten the best of them over time, and it's nice to see that Tarantino doesn't take the predictable route.

The film borrows a lot from Asian cinema and spaghetti westerns, but while this is a mishmashing of genres, its done well enough to make Kill Bill its own film. The result is a highly entertaining opus of violence that will probably be one of the few films released this year that people will even bother to remember.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the second half of the film come February.

10.09.2003

Reverend Jesse Jackson: God's Anus

I got to thinking the other day... God said he created us in his likeness.

So let's say God has a human form. Piecing him together is a bit difficult. The Bible is the word of God, and you could say that the Pope (or the leader of whatever Christian denomination you happen to belong to) is God's mouthpiece, of sorts. We've even got Jesus' body and blood at mass. Fair enough.

But if we're going to accept this theory, it means that we must account for the ugly parts of us too, because even our unspeakables are based in God's likeness in some way.

Which brings me to my next point: if God's anus were to be represented by anything, it would be the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

stud.Jesse's really a perfect fit. Someone's anus isn't very flattering or likeable, no matter who it is. But this is God we're talking about, so no matter what aspect of God it is we're speaking of, people are still going to look up to it, even if it's his bunghole.

No one really enjoys Jesse Jackson, but he's still a recognized figure who a group of people look up to.

Fittingly, whenever shit goes down, Jesse makes an appearance, and he makes his presence well known. A lot of Democrats attending Gray Davis's concession speech were complaining "This stinks!" following the news of Arnold's victory. But of course, Jesse Jackson was there!

Jesse's illegitemate child from an affair a few years ago also proves that he truly is an asshole, in both the literal and figurative sense of the word.

But in the end, we are all still created in God's likeness, even our old friend Jesse. Take comfort in the likelihood that not even all of God's anatomy is pleasant, and remember:

There's a little bit of God's anus in all of us.

10.08.2003

You son of a bitch!

bow to your new god

Ladies and gentlemen, by becoming the next governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger proves, yet again, that he is the man.

my hero

Who is your daddy, and what does he do?

As if having tons of movies, billions of dollars, and a series of prank phone calls devoted to you wasn't enough to make your penis twelve feet long, Arnold also has his own band. Therefore, to celebrate our hero's most monumental achievement yet, for your listening pleasure, I present to all of you...

ArnoCorps:



See you at the party, Richter!
greatest. band. ever.

ArnoCorps is a Arnold tribute band, but they never claim any affiliation with Arnold. Rather, their songs (all of which are named after Arnold movies and have quotes from said movies as the lyrics) are "ancient tales of lore and mythology that have been passed down for generations."

In short, it's the perfect soundtrack to listen to when you feel like groping women on movie sets, blowing stuff up, or having orgies backstage at bodybuilding competitions.

Arnold owns you.

10.06.2003

Michael Douglas is Fucking Your Daughter

what. the. fuck.

I really like Michael Douglas. I think that "Falling Down" is an American classic, and "The Game," while not one of David Fincher's best, is a solid flick.

But I really have to know, why does Michael Douglas have to have a creepy sex scene in all of his movies?

creepycreepiercreepiest

Maybe I'm the only one to notice this, but especially in the late 80's and early 90's, Michael Douglas did a whole string of movies where he'd have sex with girls half his age, and the sex would be awkward, violent, and disturbing.

o-face

Then he has to go and carry this aspect of his movies over to his real life, marrying the immensely hot Catherine Zeta-Jones, who also happens to be at least 25 years younger than him.

abusive

So I've come to the conclusion that Michael Douglas is a perverted old man who has the uncanny ability to make me feel really uncomfortable while watching his sex scenes.

Congrats Mike! Keep up the good work.

10.04.2003

So I picked up ESPN NHL Hockey. This is the first Sega hockey game I've played since NHL2K back on the Dreamcast, and man I loved that game. So it's comforting to see that the gameplay mechanics of that classic are still intact.

NHL2K4, aka ESPN NHL Hockey, is basically everything great about NHL2K, upgraded and over the top. The ESPN presentation is in full effect and is really well done. It looks just like on TV, and they even have the SportsCenter desk and the ESPN commentators.

The commentary is decent. The color commentator has player-specific things that he says in between plays. As with most sports games, the commentary can occasionally get redundant, but I've heard a lot worse.

This is by far the most realistic hockey game on the market. The play unfolds just like a real hockey game. It really forces you to learn how to play good hockey. You can't just take the puck with one guy from one end of the rink to the other and score. You have to pass well, position yourself, and use the boards to dump the puck out.

I'm glad to see that the button to dump the puck is still in the game. Press it and the player shoots the puck in the air hard in whatever direction you're facing. Perfect for shooting the puck out of the zone in those shorthanded positions or just playing the puck up the boards.

There's also a great season mode with little goals and challenges to complete throughout the course of the season. Things like scoring a defensive penalty, shorthanded goal, or killing a power play. When you complete a goal, the ESPN scoreboard that's shown at :28 and :58 past the hour drops down and the ESPN theme chime plays, just like on TV.

This is a really great hockey game, especially for enthusiasts of the sport. Highly recommended.

I haven't had the chance to take it on Xbox Live yet because I want to get my skills down first, but once I finally do that, I'll put up impressions of the online experience.

10.03.2003

Well, I got my hands on Halo for PC.

Wow. What a disappointment.

The control is nice, and it's a new experience to play it with a mouse and keyboard. It's fun at first, but the game seems quite a bit easier due to the updated control. Definitely not as challenging as the Xbox copy.

I honestly think the graphics are better on Xbox, since it has all kinds of bump mapping and lighting effects that I'm not seeing on the PC version. A lot of the polygons have harsh edges and are really boxy. Granted, the textures are more crisp on the PC version, but the problem lies in the fact that the game was ported so poorly.

I have a pretty good computer. 2.53GHz Pentium 4, GeForce4 Ti4600, 512 megs of RAMBUS... and I have to run the game at 800x600.

That's entirely unacceptable.

Basically, if you own the Xbox version of Halo, don't buy it for PC. It's the same thing, the only thing it offers is multiplayer online... but technically you can already do that via xbconnect.com, so what's the point?

I got a copy of ESPN NHL Hockey for Xbox, and I'll be reviewing that after extensive online play, but the verdict looks to be good thus far.

Why is Half-Life 2 taking so long to come out? Sigh...

10.02.2003

Does any one remember B.U.M. Equipment?

What did B.U.M. stand for?

Will the GAP suffer the same fate?

The world may never know...

10.01.2003

And now, in the third part in a continuing series, Neil Hughes shares yet another of his most personal conversations had while at his father's 60th birthday party this past weekend...

So I was with my brother, standing there, marveling at this monstrosity of raw power that lay before us, manifested in the form of an electrical chainsaw on a giant twelve foot pole.

Me: What the hell does dad need that thing for?
Patrick: I don't know. How long do you think it'll be till he injures himself with it?

A family friend, who shall remain nameless, walked up and asked us about it.

Family Friend: So, what, do you use that to clean fish?

Yeah. You use it to clean fish. It's a CHAINSAW ON A TWELVE FOOT POLE.

Yes, I clean my fish with a CHAINSAW. FROM TWELVE FEET AWAY.

In fact, I like to prepare my fish for meals before I even finish reeling them in. FROM TWELVE FEET AWAY. WITH A FUCKING CHAINSAW.

It was after all these thoughts ran through my head that I realized the most invaluable gift given to me by God: self-restraint.

Nip/Tuck

Wow. Tonight's episode of Nip/Tuck was probably the best yet. I have to give credit to the writing team, they've crafted quite the clever story that keeps getting better every week.

Things finally came to a head tonight when Dr. Sean McNamara's patient/lover Megan O'Hara can no longer deal with her cancer, and she decides to take destiny into her own hands.

McNamara, who has to pass a board exam to keep his license, is distracted during the test, and ends up having a disturbingly hilarious conversation with the cadaver head he's operating on.

Things get somber and somewhat disturbing as McNamara comforts Megan as she takes a bunch of pills and puts a bag over her head.

The show is great because it brings serious medical issues to the forefront, and presents them in a way that you can understand both sides of the issues. Regardless of your position on assisted suicide or any of the other relevant topics, Nip/Tuck packs a powerful punch.

Sean's wife Annie insists on coming to O'Hara's funeral and, after seeing his demeanor at the ceremony, she realizes he had an affair with her, and confronts him later on.

The show ends in an emotional dialogue between Sean and Annie who both come to terms with their mistakes in their relationship. It's really a powerful way to end the episode, and a fitting end to a very depressing hour of television.

If you didn't catch this one, watch the repeat.

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Reverend Hughes