Shaq Attaq

Any time I see Shaq doing anything, I think comedy is being pushed to its limits. Maybe it's just me, but I would say that Shaq is the most unintentionally funny man to come along since John Travolta.

Now Shaq is no stranger to advertising. I enjoyed his "Shaq Pack" meal at Burger King, I think "Kazaam" was a masterpiece of modern cinema, and most of all, his rap talent is second to none. Perhaps most famous is the "Shaq-Fu" videogame, which I am proud to say I have played and enjoyed.

I even remember his six pack of soda from the early 90s called the "Shaq Paq," which would explain why Burger King's meal lost out with the grammatically correct spelling. Pepsi's 'Q' sure made their product a hell of a lot cooler!

So it was with great joy that I saw Shaq's new commercial for Radio Shack, in which, at the end, our hero suggested that the name of the store be changed to "Radio Shaq."

I was overcome with excitement! Then, I began to wonder... what other avenues could Shaq explore to exploit his image and brand his name? Most importantly, what products could be improved by the trademark 'Q'? Oh, the possibilities...

HEART ATTAQ

We've all heard of the "Shaq Attaq," and Shaq sure does kill 'em on the court, but heart attacks are the number one killer in America. I think Shaq should champion a series of informative videos on heart attacks.

But as we all know, it's hard to keep people's attention, especially if you're teaching them something that could potentially save their lives.

That's why Shaq should do his videos dressed in the full costume he wore in his movie "Steel."

And he definitely needs to rap at least once whilst demonstrating his "Shaq-Fu" skills for a good cardio workout.

Gotta keep a healthy heart! And who would know better than Shaq?

CRAQ

Everyone's favorite cheap and friendly drug is infinitely more entertaining when Shaq is involved. Drugs are the most universal message presented by today's role models as the "in" lifestyle to our kids, but Shaq seems to be missing out on this trend. In turn, he's losing a valuable opportunity to market himself to the youth of America. All the other celebrities are selling it, so why can't Shaq?

BERNIE MAQ

Since Bernie Mac has sunk to filling Bill Murray's shoes in Bill Murray's worst role, his career could use a real boost. And so could Shaq's!

Today's cloning technology could merge Shaq and Bernie Mac, creating Bernie Maq.

I feel quite confident that the creature "Bernie Maq" would undoubtedly be the Antichrist, but I also feel it would make a fantastic publicity stunt. Nothing equals ratings like Armageddon!

So anyhow, congrats to Shaq on his new Radio Shack ad, and also for not being accused of rape like Kobe.