What's a polite way to say "clean asshole?"
i have a clean assholeSo I saw this commercial with this really hot blonde talking about a toilet.

Now that's something you don't see every day.

Seriously. I've seen tampons, I've seen genital warts, I've seen douches, condoms, herpes, diarrhea, whatever. You'd think that after all that, a toilet commercial would go down easy.

But this isn't any toilet. This is the Washlet, a marvel of modern technology.

You see, this retractable stick comes out after you drop a log and plants itself close to your anus and BLASTS it with refreshing, hot water to leave you with that "clean feeling," as they described it.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future. it blasts your asshole

It's amazing how the commercial dealt with the idea and conveyed its message without becoming offensive or turning off the viewer. Rather than show dingleberries hanging from a man's ass, they show a guy covered in mud trying to wipe himself clean without the aid of water.

What's the solution to this man's problem? He needs water.

Genius! If anything is going to convey to me that I have a dirty asshole, that is it! A dirty man! If I were to compare my personal bathroom wiping experiences to anything, it would most certainly be the Swamp Thing smearing himself clean without the aid of H2O! Thank you for making me see the light!

But it gets better. They have a series of 90 year old couples commenting on the life changing toilet that is the Washlet. I never thought I would hear terms like "confident" or "reassuring" used to describe the effects of a clean asshole.

One woman said it gives her a "boost of energy." I suppose getting water blasted on my ass might make me jumpy too.


The real icing on the cake is the fact that "TOTO" makes this toilet. Yeah, I know, I've heard of "TOTO" before, they've been aiding me in disposing of my waste through plumbing for years...

But as if the idea of a computer controlled toilet cleansing my anus wasn't creepy enough, the company who created the robotic ass-cleanser has to be named after that tiny little dog from the Wizard of Oz.

What the hell is wrong with people?

I would think that EVERYONE associates "Toto" with that dog's name. Not with an asshole cleaner.

So yeah, I'm sure this is a fascinating product that will give me that will make me feel "clean," and "confident," but, call me old fashioned, I don't think it's for me.

But hey, don't take my word for it. Just think about Dorothy's little dog the next time you feel "unclean."

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

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2003 - 2005
Reverend Hughes