Yet another tale from my father's 60th birthday party this weekend...

The following is a conversation had between myself and a friend of my mother's, who shall remain nameless:

Family Friend: You know, the St. Petersburg Times is very liberal.
Me: A lot of papers in big towns tend to be that way.
Family Friend: You know why most papers are liberal?
Me: Well usually because people in big cities or large rural areas tend to be more liberal.
Family Friend: I'll tell you why... because Jewish people own the papers.
Me: Oh... really?
Family Friend: And the Jewish people tend to be liberal, and they push their opinions on their workers at the paper.
Me: It was nice talking to you.

"Reality" Commercials: Reality TV's Bastard Child

So yeah, reality TV is cheap to produce and turns in all kinds of viewers, it's the new hot thing, and just when you think it's going to go away, it rears its ugly head in another form. Why won't it die?

Even I'll admit to the reality TV craze - I enjoy the Joe Schmo Show, even if it is a reality TV parody, it's a form of reality TV.

So, I suppose its in a lame attempt to capitalize on the success of reality TV, "reality commercials" have been on the rise.

The "real" reality commercials are nothing new, those are the ones that are usually in an infomercial and they take their product on the street and get the reactions of people when they taste their new juicer or whatever. Sometimes you get those lame movie commercials where people are coming out of the theater saying things like "It was so funny I defacated on the screen!"

The new reality commercials, however, act like they're real - but they're not.

You've seen them. John Stamos doing 10-10-987. It seems impromptu because he stutters, mumbles, and the camera shakes. They even have him talking to "regular" people about the product, or doing a "surprise" call to his mom.

Hey mom! Surprise! Thanks for giving birth to me, now I'm going to sell you out on TV so that my wife doesn't dump me for someone who actually has a career and didn't work under Bob Saget!

They're telling you the average joe should use this product, because its beneficial to them. John Stamos sold his mom on it, so you should try it too. YOU ARE THE AVERAGE JOE! CONSUME!

How about Hardees? Their new campaign is based on the fact that they used to suck. "I went to Hardees once and the food tasted like shit. But I went back again and its not as horrible. Try Hardees."

What the fuck kind of campaign is that? Our food is shit, try us? They film some redneck in black and white sitting in a dark studio and they have the camera move all over, making it "edgy" and I'm supposed to think that he's not an actor?

I saw a Visa commercial where this woman was running some sort of shitty clothing store and it was talking about her business that she runs out of California. In the corner were the words "Actor Portrayal." You know why?

Because reality is too fucking ugly to be on TV.

The real woman who runs the store shown in the commercial is probably the hideous creation of a gorilla and a yak that somehow got drunk and screwed each other. You definitely wouldn't want to use Visa's business card if a freak of nature was promoting it by talking out of a hole on its face where its mouth should be.

How about Jared? Probably the only reality commercial I'll buy, simply because Jared couldn't act worth a shit when Subway's ad campaign started. Did he really lose weight eating Subway? Probably not, but hell, who cares?

Subway put Jared through acting school to make the commercials more watchable, but it really didn't do much. Even though his awkwardness still oozes out of television sets across the world when his commercial airs, right now he's sitting somewhere in a huge pile of money eating Quizno's and paying some ridiculously hot chick to wipe his ass.

And that, my friends, is America.

So I finally caved in an purchased Xbox Live. It usually costs fifty greenbacks, but I guess Target doesn't want to carry it anymore, so they're selling them for $35. That gets you a one-year subscription to Xbox Live, the headset, and a demo disc with the full verison of Tetris Worlds. Not too shabby of a deal.

One expense leads to another, and I needed an Xbox Live game, so I snagged Ghost Recon: Island Thunder. It's the most played online game on Xbox, plus it's a Tom Clancy product, so I knew it couldn't be bad.

Island Thunder's graphics are really mediocre and there's lots of fog. I'll get that out of the way for those looking to push their Xbox to the limit. Not horrible, not great.

The sound, on the other hand, is stellar. Subtle sounds, such as your character out of breath when running, blend seamlessly with the sound effects that acompany each level. One has a plane going overhead (that sounds all too real on my sound system), levels deep in the jungle have crickets, the beach level has seagulls... it really adds to the atmosphere.

The single player is pretty basic, just to get you ready for the online experience, but the missions are pretty difficult on the medium setting. A worthy challenge.

The online setup is kinda goofy. It only finds the ten fastest rooms and allows you to connect to one of those. I really wish it would give me a whole list of all games, regardless of which are fastest (especially since everyone on Xbox Live is required to be running broadband).

Then you join rooms and everybody loves to chat it up on their headset. Too much.

I suppose I'm late to the scene, but people love to just shoot the shit in the lobby rather than start the game. In one of the first rooms I joined, I was subjected to a five minute speech from a Mormon on what his religion is all about. After that, I had to leave. I just wanted to kill some people, not have a mind-opening conversation. That's not what videogames are for.

The lag isn't too bad, and the game plays very well. It's in the same vein as Rainbow Six - one shot kills, team based combat. Online, you can do a team vs. mode or a cooperative mission. Most people seem to enjoy the team deathmatch.

The controls are spot-on and very easy to learn, and, most importantly, the game plays well. The level designs seem pretty balanced, and they're varied enough to make all of them a unique gaming experience.

It's at least something to hold me over until Halo 2. If you manage to get a copy of Xbox Live at Target for a discounted price, it's worth every penny. Both the service and Island Thunder are most certainly worth your time and money.

At home for my dad's 60th birthday, watching the Gator game with my brother, some family, and friends of my parents.

My dad: "Leak? Is that the guy's name?"
Me: "Yeah, Chris Leak. He's the freshman QB we picked up."
Dad: "Who's his brother? Bob Shit?"

No mistaking that we're related.

So I checked out "The Rundown" starring The Rock and that Stiffler guy from American Pie. This was the first time I had ever seen Rock's acting chops on the big screen (I didn't see Scorpion King and Mummy 2 doesn't count), and I'll say I was pleasantly surprised.

I suppose it shouldn't be a surprise, since he's a master on the mic in the WWF, but regardless, the guy has a great sense of humor and can play the badass angle well.

Anyhow, the flick is standard Hollywood violent action, and it's entertaining enough for your money. Sean William Scott seems like he's trying too hard in some scenes that fall flat, including one "fighting" gag that gets repeated three times in the movie and never really pays off.

Chrisopher Walken is still riding his post-creepy guy turned funny guy wave, and it works well. The writers obviously wrote the role for Walken, who gets his share of time mugging the camera, saying stupid lines like "Don't rock the boat!" and "Don't make waves!" which are absolutely hilarous.

Walken's five minute monologue on how the tooth fairy operates to a bunch of workers who can't speak English is alone worth the price of admission.

Nothing revolutionary, but regardless, it's entertaining. Check it out.

This douche in my MMC2100 class leaned over to me today and asked "Is a snake a reptile?"

How do these people get into college?

"No," I replied. "It's an amphibian."

So I finally got my grubby little hands on the new Lucky Boys Confusion CD, after weeks of searching and harassing the ops on IRC. Thank God!

"Commitment," from Lucky Boys, drops October 21st. It's their second major label record on Elektra, following their 2001 debut with "Throwing the Game." "Commitment" keeps LBC pushing into the dangerous void of polished pop-punk that started with their last CD. Thankfully, LBC doesn't drop the ball.

The CD carries the same clean sound of the aforementioned "Throwing the Game," obviously a stark contrast from earlier, smaller releases. Unlike its predecessor, "Commitment" does not contain any old tracks off those indy discs. Instead, we're treated to 16 brand spanking new Lucky Boys tunes. Rock on!

The album's intro kicks off with a reggae-ish beat, paralleling "Throwing the Game," but this time it's a full minute and it's its own track, called "Champion's Dub." It's actually an abridged version of the album's very last song.

That rolls into the album's first single, "Hey Driver." It offers a good kick-in-the-ass start to the album, a real upbeat and poppy song, perfect for radio. I enjoy it for what it's worth, but the "singalong" portions where the whole band chimes in, and the obligatory "hey!"s sound tired and typical.

The album starts to change direction with "Broken," a bit harder and faster... not quite as expected after the first two tracks. This is why we love Lucky Boys - all the tainted beauty of the tired genre that is pop-punk, but enough talent and varied genres spliced in to make it interesting, listenable and, ironically, fresh. You don't have to be ashamed to listen!

The new version of "Mr. Wilmington" with the whole band is a big change from the previous acoustic that has been online for awhile, but it works.

Stubhy's voice really shines on "Beware" and "Closer to the Grave." Most definitely album highlights, along with the funky beat and piano on "You Weren't There," another stand out.

On the other hand, "These Days" and "Something to Believe" come off as overly produced and, while good songs, really don't fit very well on the album, especially with the synth beats in the background. Death to Ace of Base.

The low point would be "Sunday Afternoon," some sort of attempt at a reggae/rap track with a guest MC (can't make out what his name is with his accent). It's not really a horrible song, it's just on the wrong album, and more techno beats that aren't needed.

All in all, it's an enjoyable album and, while not quite up to par with "Throwing the Game," shows a great deal of promise for the Chi-town boys and proves they haven't missed a step in their two year hiatus. Recommended.

Revolutions trailer just hit the 'Net and can be checked out here.

So now... what questions left by Reloaded have been answered by this trailer, and what new questions have arisen?

After a shameless frame-by-frame analysis, the answer for the former is "not many" and quite the opposite for the latter.

Here's what I've managed to pick up from the trailer:
-The giant thing at the beginning that Neo is talking to is the core of the Matrix. Neo is blindfolded and brought there by someone (or something) associated with the Matrix. The Matrix core then jacks Neo into the Matrix, in order to destroy Smith.
-Something's obviously funky with the real world, Neo seems to view it in an orange blur, as opposed to the green of the Matrix. Is the real world another matrix or is Neo just that powerful?
-There's a shot of a ship coming down from the sky, and the sky is clearly blue with no clouds and you can see a sliver of the moon. Thought the sky was scorched...
-Neo obviously still has the power to destroy sentinels in the real world. That power didn't disappear (unlike the ability to destroy code from the first film).
-The Merovingian is obviously more powerful than we are led to believe in Reloaded, seeing as how Trinity and Morpheus are led to believe that he can lead them to Neo.
-A shot appears to show three Smiths killing a program in matrix code... looks like it might be the Oracle.
-Who's the little kid Neo's with in the subway?

So yeah. I'm gonna go clean up my pants.

Neil's 'Boner of the Day' supplied by: Call of Duty

I would have gone to bed earlier, had it not been for the huge hard on that I was left with after finally checking out the Call of Duty demo.

For those not familiar, it's by the same folks who did the Medal of Honor series, and it's yet another World War II title, but it's everything that made MoH so great... and then some. The demo's just one level, but man, I had to play it a few times. The biggest improvement I see over the MoH series is the AI. Teammates position themselves well (finally!) and the enemies are DAMN good.

After flanking an anti-aircraft turret with grenades, I went around a corner and about a hundred yards away, there was a makeshift bunker made up of a blown up building, and it was swarming with Germans. Looking down the scope of my M1A1 carbine, I started trying to pick them off, and I was surprised when those bad boys ducked for cover and repositioned.

My biggest problem with the Medal of Honor series was the AI. Luckily, that's where the biggest changes from MoH lie: The enemies don't all shoot at YOU, nor do they all shoot at the same person (ie the closest). They're equal opportunity killers. They also don't like being shot at. Shoot at one and they duck back down into the bunker, reposition themselves at a different spot, and then come back up to kill you (or someone else). And your squad is just as smart. I don't feel like the whole war is on MY shoulders like I did in the MoH games, and its a refreshing change.

And graphically... wow. This sucker runs on the Quake 3 engine, and it's surprising, to say the least. The textures are crisp, especially in the character models, and the lighting effects are amazing. The demo opens up in a dark building and you step outside to see blazing fires and anti-aircraft gunfire in the distance light up the night sky. Truly amazing stuff, and further proving that the Quake 3 engine might have more staying power than Half-Life's former dominance of the FPS market.

The game hits stores in November and the single player demo is definitely worth the download. Not too hefty, either, coming in at 172 megs. Definitely worth your time.

I read about the debacle at the California debate tonight, and it further proves the fact that Arnold really is the man.

To drive home my point, here's my reasoning: Arnold came to America and could barely speak English. He used his huge muscles to get him a movie career. He has a horrible accent, is hard to understand, and can't act for shit, yet he managed to become the highest paid actor in Hollywood.

The man's movie sound clips are used to make prank phone calls. Do you know how big his penis must be? I'd have the biggest penis ever if I had billions of dollars and my voice was recorded and used to create chaos.



Oh yeah, and Arnold can kick your ass. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of whimpy politicians. At least Bush flew a plane and did coke, but he also passed out from choking on a pretzel. Come on, Bush. That's fucking weak! You don't have to worry about pretzel attacks when it comes to Arnold.

Since Arnold can do no wrong, I'll share one of his greatest but least viewed performances with the masses. For your viewing pleasure: Arnold's Japanese Adventure

So somehow or another I haven't slept in two days. It's almost 5am on what is technically Wednesday and I don't feel tired. Something's wrong with me, for sure, since I didn't get a wink last night. Oh well, here's a game mini-review

Simpsons Hit & Run Impressions

Just finished a six hour binge of my new prized posession, The Simpsons Hit & Run for Xbox. For those of you unfamaliar, it's a somewhat Grand Theft Auto-style take on the Simpsons universe, and it's probably the best Simpsons game since that old arcade beat-em-up (although the incredibly difficult Bart vs. the Space Mutants on NES still holds a special place in my heart).

The game is pretty cut-and-dry. There's missions that you can do, which are basically the same idea repeated, but it stays fresh thanks to the sharp controls and complex levels with all the Springfield landmarks you've come to know and love. The missions mostly consist of either a)Picking up items in a vehicle, b)Smashing a car till it blows up, or c) Smashing a car so items fall out of it so you can pick them up. Simple yet effective.

Destroying stuff gets you money with which you can purchase goods like new vehicles and episode-specific outfits for characters. There are also cards hidden throughout levels that have episode summaries and memorable quotes. To make the experience as loyal to the show as possible, the whole gang from the show reprised their voice acting roles, and it's great and really funny. Lots of minor show characters have a major presence, and obscure episode references are throughout Springfield. I even stumbled across the faulty monorail downtown, and, to my amazement, I could hop in and drive the front car off the track. Good stuff for any Simpsons fan.

I'm probably 40 to 50% of the way done with the storyline missions after six hours of gameplay, but there's also a handful of side quests, plus an unlockable multiplayer RC Pro-AM style racing mode when the game is beaten completely. This ain't a skimpy game.

Worth a rent if you like GTA, perhaps to tide you over until True Crime comes out, but if you're a Simpsons fan, this is a must own.

Here's what I want to know... why am I supposed to think of baseball to keep from spilling my seed when I'm doing it?

After all, the bases of baseball are used as an analogy to convey how far you get with a chick. Should I think of a guy scoring a home run when I'm... scoring a home run?

Like, seriously, when did baseball become the one thing that kills boners? I could think of much better things that make my penis crawl back into my body: goatse.cx, the pope, Aunt Jemima, Chyna (the wrestler), China (the country), Barry Manilow, Mr. Clean, the Dell kid...

The point is baseball is a poor example, and if we keep teaching our kids to think of baseball to please their woman, it might not work... and that's bad!

I was tricked yesterday into watching a video of a man with a boner forcing urine out of his urethra onto a girl's face, whilst screaming in pain. If that sort of thing can get around the 'net, then people can deal with my random daily comments, I decided. Hence what you see here. Enjoy.

And for your enjoyment... a spiny lobster: