1.29.2004
Flame On! Super Fantastic Low-Gravity Fighting Extravaganza: Round 2
Whoa, whoa, ladies and gents, easy on the flame war. I thought that was reserved for Fark and AICN.
Ah, hell, who am I kidding, it's all in good fun.
Round one's winner was clearly Joe Pesci from Casino (apparently now infected with AIDS), armed with a ball point pen. Macho Man finished a distant second, as he always has in life. At least his ex-wife didn't die of a coke overdose at Lex Luger's place. Oh wait.
In response to the need for the original battle royale legends Coach Mike June and Tyler Durden... well, most of the voters this time don't know June, and Tyler Durden (along with Fight Club) has become immensely overrated.
As before, if you're easily offended, stay clear.
Anyhow, same rules as last round... leave your vote below and explain yourself!
Round 2 combatants:
1. Carl Winslow from Die Hard (armed with a .44 magnum and one bullet which, prior to this contest, was reserved for "when the pain got to be too much")
2. Henry Rollins
3. Pope John Paul II circa 1978 (armed with the Popemobile)
4. Rowdy Roddy Piper from They Live (armed with a set of black sunglasses, but he's all out of bubblegum)
5. Arnold from Commando
Vote!
Whoa, whoa, ladies and gents, easy on the flame war. I thought that was reserved for Fark and AICN.
Ah, hell, who am I kidding, it's all in good fun.
Round one's winner was clearly Joe Pesci from Casino (apparently now infected with AIDS), armed with a ball point pen. Macho Man finished a distant second, as he always has in life. At least his ex-wife didn't die of a coke overdose at Lex Luger's place. Oh wait.
In response to the need for the original battle royale legends Coach Mike June and Tyler Durden... well, most of the voters this time don't know June, and Tyler Durden (along with Fight Club) has become immensely overrated.
As before, if you're easily offended, stay clear.
Anyhow, same rules as last round... leave your vote below and explain yourself!
Round 2 combatants:
1. Carl Winslow from Die Hard (armed with a .44 magnum and one bullet which, prior to this contest, was reserved for "when the pain got to be too much")
2. Henry Rollins
3. Pope John Paul II circa 1978 (armed with the Popemobile)
4. Rowdy Roddy Piper from They Live (armed with a set of black sunglasses, but he's all out of bubblegum)
5. Arnold from Commando
Vote!
1.27.2004
Super Fantastic Low-Gravity Fighting Extravaganza!
Alright, we did this one about three years ago, but it's time for a repeat. For those of you not filled in on the brawl to end all brawls, here's how it works out:
Every red-blooded American has, at some point in their life, been in an argument as to who would win in a fight. If you're like me, you get into those sorts of debates all the damn time.
Most recently I was in a debate as to whether The Big Show (Paul Wight) or Kurt Angle would win in a real-life brawl. The debate got so out of hand that a good portion of my family, along with the relatives of others, ended up giving their opinion on the topic.
By the way, Wight would destroy Angle.
So yeah, anyhow, nothing spurs a good old fashioned bitch-fest like a debate on ass-kicking, hence this contest. To take away the advantage of weight or strength in order to create a level playing field and broaden the selection of combatants, our brawl takes in a low-gravity environment.
If you don't have a sense of humor, don't bother reading any farther. This could get nasty.
Remember: Low-gravity makes a huge difference. Paul Wight would win against Kurt Angle on Earth because of his size, but when his size is taken out of the equation, it becomes a true test of one's murderous skills.
So, our selection of competitors are placed on the moon in a tournament-style fight to the death. Combatants' specific advantages (if any) are listed - there are no more, no less.
It's simple - vote by leaving a message below this post. You can only pick one winner. Envision the fight however you see fit and please feel free to give your reasons as to why you picked your winner.
The combatants for this round are:
1. Joe Pesci from Casino (armed with a ball-point pen).
2. Vince Neil circa 1984 Shout at the Devil tour (armed with a 1972 Ford Pantera and an endless supply of alcohol)
3. O.J. Simpson circa Naked Gun (armed with 9-iron golf club and a tiny leather glove)
4. Tom Hanks from Philadelphia
5. Macho Man Randy Savage from Wrestlemania 8 (armed with a boombox, a copy of his new CD, and an unlimited supply of batteries)
Place your bets.
Alright, we did this one about three years ago, but it's time for a repeat. For those of you not filled in on the brawl to end all brawls, here's how it works out:
Every red-blooded American has, at some point in their life, been in an argument as to who would win in a fight. If you're like me, you get into those sorts of debates all the damn time.
Most recently I was in a debate as to whether The Big Show (Paul Wight) or Kurt Angle would win in a real-life brawl. The debate got so out of hand that a good portion of my family, along with the relatives of others, ended up giving their opinion on the topic.
By the way, Wight would destroy Angle.
So yeah, anyhow, nothing spurs a good old fashioned bitch-fest like a debate on ass-kicking, hence this contest. To take away the advantage of weight or strength in order to create a level playing field and broaden the selection of combatants, our brawl takes in a low-gravity environment.
If you don't have a sense of humor, don't bother reading any farther. This could get nasty.
Remember: Low-gravity makes a huge difference. Paul Wight would win against Kurt Angle on Earth because of his size, but when his size is taken out of the equation, it becomes a true test of one's murderous skills.
So, our selection of competitors are placed on the moon in a tournament-style fight to the death. Combatants' specific advantages (if any) are listed - there are no more, no less.
It's simple - vote by leaving a message below this post. You can only pick one winner. Envision the fight however you see fit and please feel free to give your reasons as to why you picked your winner.
The combatants for this round are:
1. Joe Pesci from Casino (armed with a ball-point pen).
2. Vince Neil circa 1984 Shout at the Devil tour (armed with a 1972 Ford Pantera and an endless supply of alcohol)
3. O.J. Simpson circa Naked Gun (armed with 9-iron golf club and a tiny leather glove)
4. Tom Hanks from Philadelphia
5. Macho Man Randy Savage from Wrestlemania 8 (armed with a boombox, a copy of his new CD, and an unlimited supply of batteries)
Place your bets.
1.20.2004
If anything on the television can make me feel like I have to lose my lunch, it's the sight of Whoopi Goldberg.
So, imagine my surprise when Whoopi showed up on my tube during a commercial break of one of my favorite programs.
"Hey, y'all!" she exlaimed. "I'm a big loser!"
Well no shit!
Unfortunately, as the commercial ended up, Whoopi wasn't talking about herself or her career - just her weight. Talk about a major disappointment.
Anyhow, congrats to Whoopi for losing weight and still managing to make money off of her name and likeness, but as we all know, I'm a big fan of truth in advertising. And by that I mean when Whoopi says she's a big loser, she means it the way I originally interpreted it.
Therefore, I present to you...
Becoming a Loser:
Dismantling Your Career the Whoopi Way!
Step 1: Change your name from Caryn Elaine Johnson to the moronic "Whoopi Goldberg," in hopes that people will think you're just an ecstatic Jewish person.
Step 2: Sister Act
Step 3: Defend your boyfriend Ted Danson after he performs racist jokes at a Friar's Club Roast dressed in blackface.
Step 4: That's right, I said BOYFRIEND Ted Danson, thus making step 4 simply: "Date Ted Danson."
Step 5: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
Step 6: Center Square and Executive Producer of Hollywood Squares remake.
Step 7: Have no eyebrows.
And so folks, that about sums it up.
Also, keep in mind that you can also take career advice from Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon 4), Harrison Ford (getting ear pierced), Michael Keaton (Multiplicity), Kobe Bryant (rape), or Kevin Costner (everything) and you'll do well enough, but always keep the Whoopster in mind.
So, imagine my surprise when Whoopi showed up on my tube during a commercial break of one of my favorite programs.
"Hey, y'all!" she exlaimed. "I'm a big loser!"
Well no shit!
Unfortunately, as the commercial ended up, Whoopi wasn't talking about herself or her career - just her weight. Talk about a major disappointment.
Anyhow, congrats to Whoopi for losing weight and still managing to make money off of her name and likeness, but as we all know, I'm a big fan of truth in advertising. And by that I mean when Whoopi says she's a big loser, she means it the way I originally interpreted it.
Therefore, I present to you...
Becoming a Loser:
Dismantling Your Career the Whoopi Way!
Step 1: Change your name from Caryn Elaine Johnson to the moronic "Whoopi Goldberg," in hopes that people will think you're just an ecstatic Jewish person.
Step 2: Sister Act
Step 3: Defend your boyfriend Ted Danson after he performs racist jokes at a Friar's Club Roast dressed in blackface.
Step 4: That's right, I said BOYFRIEND Ted Danson, thus making step 4 simply: "Date Ted Danson."
Step 5: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
Step 6: Center Square and Executive Producer of Hollywood Squares remake.
Step 7: Have no eyebrows.
And so folks, that about sums it up.
Also, keep in mind that you can also take career advice from Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon 4), Harrison Ford (getting ear pierced), Michael Keaton (Multiplicity), Kobe Bryant (rape), or Kevin Costner (everything) and you'll do well enough, but always keep the Whoopster in mind.
1.15.2004
Big Fish
Remember the Planet of the Apes "re-imagining?" I bet Tim Burton wishes he didn't.
I liked Burton a lot up until that point. Call me a cynic, but I'd define that sort of movie as a career-killer. Just ask Marky Mark Wahlberg, who hasn't done much aside from this summer's lackluster Italian Job.
I liked Burton's prior work quite a bit, but it was with Planet of the Apes burned into my mind that I was wary of his next project, Big Fish, despite all the praise it was getting.
Congratulations, Burton. You are not part of Marky Mark's Funky Bunch. I am, once again, impressed.
Big Fish is really a film like no other. If I had to draw a comparison, I'd say Forrest Gump, but even that's a stretch.
I really hate the obligatory cliches, but Big Fish is really the epitome of a "feel good movie." Everything about it is magic - the storytelling, the cinematography, and the outlandish sets, landscapes and characters. Big Fish is the type of movie that transcends typical audiences - honestly, I could see people of all ages enjoying it.
The film tells the story of a man, Will Bloom, who is coming to terms with his dying father, Ed Bloom, who is most famous for telling "tall tales" and presenting them as fact. Fed up with the stories, Will tries to get the truth out of his father and find out who he really was with no exaggerated stories.
Sure, we all know people who tell great stories and exaggerate the hell out of them. That's part of the art of great storytelling. The movie presents Ed Bloom's life stories as he tells them - outlandish, over-the-top, and totally unbelievable. The result is a magical universe that just oozes with style and fun.
I would say that Big Fish is the most emotional movie I've seen in a long, long time. If you don't feel anything seeing this movie, there is something wrong with you.
Big Fish really pays off in a big way. True to its main character, the heart of the film is the tall tale itself, which, thankfully, happens to be a fantastic story.
Remember the Planet of the Apes "re-imagining?" I bet Tim Burton wishes he didn't.
I liked Burton a lot up until that point. Call me a cynic, but I'd define that sort of movie as a career-killer. Just ask Marky Mark Wahlberg, who hasn't done much aside from this summer's lackluster Italian Job.
I liked Burton's prior work quite a bit, but it was with Planet of the Apes burned into my mind that I was wary of his next project, Big Fish, despite all the praise it was getting.
Congratulations, Burton. You are not part of Marky Mark's Funky Bunch. I am, once again, impressed.
Big Fish is really a film like no other. If I had to draw a comparison, I'd say Forrest Gump, but even that's a stretch.
I really hate the obligatory cliches, but Big Fish is really the epitome of a "feel good movie." Everything about it is magic - the storytelling, the cinematography, and the outlandish sets, landscapes and characters. Big Fish is the type of movie that transcends typical audiences - honestly, I could see people of all ages enjoying it.
The film tells the story of a man, Will Bloom, who is coming to terms with his dying father, Ed Bloom, who is most famous for telling "tall tales" and presenting them as fact. Fed up with the stories, Will tries to get the truth out of his father and find out who he really was with no exaggerated stories.
Sure, we all know people who tell great stories and exaggerate the hell out of them. That's part of the art of great storytelling. The movie presents Ed Bloom's life stories as he tells them - outlandish, over-the-top, and totally unbelievable. The result is a magical universe that just oozes with style and fun.
I would say that Big Fish is the most emotional movie I've seen in a long, long time. If you don't feel anything seeing this movie, there is something wrong with you.
Big Fish really pays off in a big way. True to its main character, the heart of the film is the tall tale itself, which, thankfully, happens to be a fantastic story.
1.07.2004
The Sacman Takes the Plunge
I don't usually do this, but in the interest of the sanity of everyone who might view this...
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS POTENTIALLY DISTURBING AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANY PERSON LIVING OR DECEASED
With that said...
What happens when these two suspicious looking characters...
Sacman Mr. Wright
... will do anything shameless for a ridiculously small amount of money?
Come with us now as we explore... WHAT'S SWIMMING IN SACMAN'S URETHRA? Part of a continuing series exposing new lows in humankind.
Brought to you by...
Team WHATZUPWITU?
Confused? Don't worry if you're not in the loop. The entertainment value is still here, I promise.
Our contestants Mr. Wright and Sacman engaged in a bidding war to prove their shameless ways. The goal: to perform an act of indignity for less money than their competitor would. The result: an ever-escalating feud that has yet to see its conclusion.
Your ingredients for this chapter include one sick lake, one total douchebag, and a bag full of well-worn women's thongs. Observe the scenery (in Quicktime).
Sacman agreed to this for the price of ten cents from every head in attendance. Money that was later well spent on Taco Bell.
Smell the freshness...
The results, which took place recently, can be viewed on this very site in their entirety. While the raw footage is not expicit or vulgar (unlike most of my language on this site), anyone offended or disgusted by the sight of a man's ass in a women's thong should not view the video.
And so for the minority of mankind who wish to see it, enjoy...
Sacman's Algae Adventure (Quicktime)
More to come...
I don't usually do this, but in the interest of the sanity of everyone who might view this...
With that said...
What happens when these two suspicious looking characters...
Sacman Mr. Wright
... will do anything shameless for a ridiculously small amount of money?
Come with us now as we explore... WHAT'S SWIMMING IN SACMAN'S URETHRA? Part of a continuing series exposing new lows in humankind.
Brought to you by...
Team WHATZUPWITU?
Confused? Don't worry if you're not in the loop. The entertainment value is still here, I promise.
Our contestants Mr. Wright and Sacman engaged in a bidding war to prove their shameless ways. The goal: to perform an act of indignity for less money than their competitor would. The result: an ever-escalating feud that has yet to see its conclusion.
Your ingredients for this chapter include one sick lake, one total douchebag, and a bag full of well-worn women's thongs. Observe the scenery (in Quicktime).
Sacman agreed to this for the price of ten cents from every head in attendance. Money that was later well spent on Taco Bell.
Smell the freshness...
The results, which took place recently, can be viewed on this very site in their entirety. While the raw footage is not expicit or vulgar (unlike most of my language on this site), anyone offended or disgusted by the sight of a man's ass in a women's thong should not view the video.
And so for the minority of mankind who wish to see it, enjoy...
Sacman's Algae Adventure (Quicktime)
More to come...
1.02.2004
Best Music of 2003
This one was a tough decision. There was lots of music that came out this year that pleasantly surprised me. As the radio gets worse, it seems that underground music swells. I smell a changing of the guard in popular music on the horizon, as today's stale pop music won't last.
Regardless, here's what I felt were the best albums of 2003.
#3: Deftones (Deftones)
Not the type of band that likes to push out an album as quickly as possible, the Deftones took their time on their fourth album, and the hard work shows. The latest offering is much harder than 2000's "White Pony," but at the same time it keeps the melodic nature of the previous album.
"Deftones," like the three albums before it, is its own entity and shows a lot of growth in the band's sound. Many of the tracks seem like a homage to one of the great metal innovators of the 90's, Helmet. This isn't the Deftones' best album, but it is nonetheless a record worthy of its predecessors.
#2: Rob Dougan (Furious Angels)
After a big club hit with 1999's "Clubbed to Death," it took four long years for Rob Dougan's first album to hit stateside. Fans in the U.S. were treated to a two-disc set of songs and instrumentals by Dougan. The result is a mind-blowing album that feels as though the best is yet to come from Dougan.
A mix of techno and orchestra with Dougan's gruff and sometimes haunting vocals makes this album very hard to categorize. Dougan's work as a conductor, his vocal skills, and the beats he's created come together in quite a beautiful fashion. Here's hoping that Dougan takes it up a notch with his next album.
The best album of 2003: Minus (Halldor Laxness)
From the get-go on Minus' follow-up to "Jesus Christ Bobby," you can tell that this album is going to defy any sort of description or label you might try to pin on it. Therein lies the beauty of Minus' second offering, "Halldor Laxness."
The next big thing out of Iceland following Sigur Ros, Minus has been the recipient of much overseas critical acclaim, and with good reason. "Halldor Laxness" is a melodic-yet-chaotic explosion of sound that might not be for everyone, but is undeniably a special album.
Most Disappointing Music of 2003
Keep in mind, I'm not saying these albums are bad... I just don't think they lived up to expectation...
And they suck a bit.
Metallica (St. Anger)
We all heard the buzz. "Metallica is going back to its roots!"
Riiiight.
Oddly enough, the singles off of St. Anger (St. Anger and Frantic) are the best tracks off the CD... and they're also the first two songs on the CD. By the end of this nearly 75 minute CD, you're just tired of it. Better than "Load" or "Re-Load," but this is no "Ride the Lightning."
Metallica picked up the old Suicidal Tendencies bassist, but that was after the album was recorded. I look forward to seeing what kind of influence he'll have on Metallica's inevitable next album.
Thursday (War All the Time)
Following the release of "Full Collapse," the buzz surrounding this band was deafening. "Full Collapse" was indeed a solid album, but it doesn't seem to have aged well over time.
This is the biggest problem with "War All the Time." Every song on the album sounds like it could have fit right into place on "Full Collapse." I realize Thursday has found a successful formula and is sticking to it, but I'd like to see some change and evolution in a band's sound. While Thursday may have squandered its potential on this album, here's hoping the next offering shows change.
In the end...
I'll put in some honorable mentions that were edged out of the top three: "Think Tank" by Blur (GREAT album), "MFZB" by Zebrahead, "Permission to Land" by The Darkness, Ima Robot's self-titled debut, "La Musica Negra" by Verbena, and "The Wolf" by Andrew WK. Overall, it was a good year in music.
This one was a tough decision. There was lots of music that came out this year that pleasantly surprised me. As the radio gets worse, it seems that underground music swells. I smell a changing of the guard in popular music on the horizon, as today's stale pop music won't last.
Regardless, here's what I felt were the best albums of 2003.
#3: Deftones (Deftones)
Not the type of band that likes to push out an album as quickly as possible, the Deftones took their time on their fourth album, and the hard work shows. The latest offering is much harder than 2000's "White Pony," but at the same time it keeps the melodic nature of the previous album.
"Deftones," like the three albums before it, is its own entity and shows a lot of growth in the band's sound. Many of the tracks seem like a homage to one of the great metal innovators of the 90's, Helmet. This isn't the Deftones' best album, but it is nonetheless a record worthy of its predecessors.
#2: Rob Dougan (Furious Angels)
After a big club hit with 1999's "Clubbed to Death," it took four long years for Rob Dougan's first album to hit stateside. Fans in the U.S. were treated to a two-disc set of songs and instrumentals by Dougan. The result is a mind-blowing album that feels as though the best is yet to come from Dougan.
A mix of techno and orchestra with Dougan's gruff and sometimes haunting vocals makes this album very hard to categorize. Dougan's work as a conductor, his vocal skills, and the beats he's created come together in quite a beautiful fashion. Here's hoping that Dougan takes it up a notch with his next album.
The best album of 2003: Minus (Halldor Laxness)
From the get-go on Minus' follow-up to "Jesus Christ Bobby," you can tell that this album is going to defy any sort of description or label you might try to pin on it. Therein lies the beauty of Minus' second offering, "Halldor Laxness."
The next big thing out of Iceland following Sigur Ros, Minus has been the recipient of much overseas critical acclaim, and with good reason. "Halldor Laxness" is a melodic-yet-chaotic explosion of sound that might not be for everyone, but is undeniably a special album.
Most Disappointing Music of 2003
Keep in mind, I'm not saying these albums are bad... I just don't think they lived up to expectation...
And they suck a bit.
Metallica (St. Anger)
We all heard the buzz. "Metallica is going back to its roots!"
Riiiight.
Oddly enough, the singles off of St. Anger (St. Anger and Frantic) are the best tracks off the CD... and they're also the first two songs on the CD. By the end of this nearly 75 minute CD, you're just tired of it. Better than "Load" or "Re-Load," but this is no "Ride the Lightning."
Metallica picked up the old Suicidal Tendencies bassist, but that was after the album was recorded. I look forward to seeing what kind of influence he'll have on Metallica's inevitable next album.
Thursday (War All the Time)
Following the release of "Full Collapse," the buzz surrounding this band was deafening. "Full Collapse" was indeed a solid album, but it doesn't seem to have aged well over time.
This is the biggest problem with "War All the Time." Every song on the album sounds like it could have fit right into place on "Full Collapse." I realize Thursday has found a successful formula and is sticking to it, but I'd like to see some change and evolution in a band's sound. While Thursday may have squandered its potential on this album, here's hoping the next offering shows change.
In the end...
I'll put in some honorable mentions that were edged out of the top three: "Think Tank" by Blur (GREAT album), "MFZB" by Zebrahead, "Permission to Land" by The Darkness, Ima Robot's self-titled debut, "La Musica Negra" by Verbena, and "The Wolf" by Andrew WK. Overall, it was a good year in music.
|
2003 - 2005 Reverend Hughes |
