If anything on the television can make me feel like I have to lose my lunch, it's the sight of Whoopi Goldberg.

So, imagine my surprise when Whoopi showed up on my tube during a commercial break of one of my favorite programs.

"Hey, y'all!" she exlaimed. "I'm a big loser!"

Well no shit!

punch me in the face

Unfortunately, as the commercial ended up, Whoopi wasn't talking about herself or her career - just her weight. Talk about a major disappointment.

Anyhow, congrats to Whoopi for losing weight and still managing to make money off of her name and likeness, but as we all know, I'm a big fan of truth in advertising. And by that I mean when Whoopi says she's a big loser, she means it the way I originally interpreted it.

Therefore, I present to you...

Becoming a Loser:
Dismantling Your Career the Whoopi Way!

moronStep 1: Change your name from Caryn Elaine Johnson to the moronic "Whoopi Goldberg," in hopes that people will think you're just an ecstatic Jewish person.
Step 2: Sister Act
Step 3: Defend your boyfriend Ted Danson after he performs racist jokes at a Friar's Club Roast dressed in blackface.
Step 4: That's right, I said BOYFRIEND Ted Danson, thus making step 4 simply: "Date Ted Danson."
Step 5: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
Step 6: Center Square and Executive Producer of Hollywood Squares remake.
Step 7: Have no eyebrows.

And so folks, that about sums it up.

Also, keep in mind that you can also take career advice from Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon 4), Harrison Ford (getting ear pierced), Michael Keaton (Multiplicity), Kobe Bryant (rape), or Kevin Costner (everything) and you'll do well enough, but always keep the Whoopster in mind.

Creative Commons License


2003 - 2005
Reverend Hughes