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9.30.2004

My contribution to the Internet

And we're back. Yes, that's right: not school, nor stress, natural disasters or the lack of power can keep me away from being desperately unfunny.

And it is here in my humble virtual home where I post my ramblings with the goal of being somewhat entertaining. I know a good portion of you folks who read about whatever I have to say don't even know me, which I found to be quite strange at first. Over time, though, it has proven itself to be quite amusing.

You see, awhile ago I installed software on this site from a cool page called RE_INVIGORATE. It tells all kinds of stats about the visitors who visit my site, like where they're browsing from, what operating system they use, what browser they're using to surf the 'Net, etc.

But the real gem of it all is a feature that shows you how people get to your site... like if someone else links to your site from theirs, and it's bringing in traffic, you can find out where the visitors are coming from. Or, even better, if someone searches for you on Google, you can find out what in holy hell they were searching for that made them come across your site.

Because I found it so entertaining, I passed this cool software along to my brother awhile ago and he did a hilarious story about the Google searches that led people to his site.

Honestly, if everything you knew about a Web site was based on the search engine inquiries that led people to it, it would give you a much different picture of the site opposed to what it actually is.

Or maybe not. Maybe this is what my site really is about. I'll let you be the judge... Check out the searches that led here:

leo laporte fucking liar
megadeth rules
john kerry fucking george bush in the ass screen saver
VINNY LECAVALIER CARS
LowBrow Puck Tits
Whoopi Goldberg pubic hair
Whoopi Goldberg's Headquarters
shirtless tattoo redneck
shirtless blog
sleep shirtless guy
boorish fuck
KARATE CHAMPION BINITIE
why isn't harold and kumar go to white castle showing anywhere
Rush Geddy Lee tattoo republican
jarome iginla with his white mom pictures
alcohol depression hipsters
WHAT IS HOCKEY PLAYER NEIL SMITH STILL DOING TODAY - DOES HE STILL MANAGE HOCKEY?


Now none of those searches bothered me that much. Really. People search for some weird stuff.

But the one that really inspired this entire post was a Google search for the following:

shirtless guys tied up

Go ahead, click it. It'll search it for you.

That's right, listed after a few choice homosexual porn Web sites, you get good old ME coming in at number seven on your top ten list!

ME!

YOUR ONE-STOP SOURCE FOR HOMOSEXUAL PORNOGRAPHY, PARTICULARLY BONDAGE!

So, to all of you out there in Internet land who read this... whether you found me searching for gay porn or you were hoping to download a screensaver of John Kerry fucking George W. Bush in the ass, I sincerely hope you are satisfied. I try my hardest.

9.23.2004

There will be a hockey season after all (virtually)

I've long said that the G4 acquisition of TechTV will be the death of my beloved TechTV. The "new" Leo-and-Patrick-less Screen Savers is disappointing, at best. The only consistent saving grace of the network is Unscrewed with Martin Sargent. The rest of the network got the axe, leaving the network light on the 'tech' side of things.

So, in a blatant (and easy) ratings ploy, G4TechTV has made an announcement that it will air this season's entire NHL schedule virtually... since the players aren't going to do it themselves. Based on the screenshot they show, it looks like they're going to do it with my much-loved hockey title, ESPN NHL 2K5. Cool.

I can't say I've seen more than one or two episodes of the program "Sweat," but from what I remember, it was just as horrible as the rest of G4's programming.

Regardless, it could be, at best, interesting and midly entertaining, even if I can play the game myself. Knowing G4, it will probably be sloppily produced and have appearances from "celebrities" such as Hal Sparks and Dustin Diamond and force me to change the channel with a feeling of disgust.

I give them credit. It's a mildly original idea. If it generates any buzz amongst hockey and videogame enthusiasts, the ratings might not be half bad. But when the best your network can offer is 8 episodes a day of a high-pitched whiney dude spouting off cheat codes for videogames that you could easily look up online in your own time, I suppose you have nowhere to go but up in your programming schedule.

9.20.2004

"That's a negative, Ghost Rider. The pattern is full."

It's no secret that my favorite all-time comic book is Ghost Rider. And anyone who follows comic book movies (hopefully you all do so over at the fantastic SuperHeroHype.com) knows that Nic Cage has been talking forever about doing the Ghost Rider film. And now it appears it is official, with a January date set for filming.

So is this good news or bad news? Of course any classic comic getting big-budget treatment on the big screen is exciting, but I can't help but question the fact that Mark Steven Johnson is in the director's chair for this one. He, for those of you who don't know, is the douchebag who directed the exceedingly mediocre "Daredevil," starring his comrade in douchebaggery, Ben Affleck.

If it wasn't for Jennifer Garner being hot as shit and the fact that they played "Top O' the Mornin' to Ya" by House of Pain while Bullseye threw paper clips into a guy's trachea, it might have made me slit my throat in the theater. But there's always the "Elektra" spin-off coming out to accomplish that for me.

From Empire Online:

"Well I won’t be THAT face," said Cage, who revealed that the Rider's face will be largely CG. "But it’s important to the filmmaker that there’s still moments in the CGI of the face where you can still see my own expressions, so I can work that out with them. It’s hard to have a skull make facial expressions."

This, however, is contradicted by Mr. Douchebag himself, Mark Steven Johnson:

MSJ revealed the look of Ghost Rider and its villains. He said on GR's appearance "Don't worry about the look of G.R. He's hard core classic, just like Tex drew him."

What to think of this? Hopefully we won't see too much of Nic Cage. I can just imagine this film getting bastardized really quickly by a bunch of suits. "Why is his head a skull? Does it have to be on fire? But this film is starring Nic Cage! He's an action star! We want to have his face in there!"

They're going with the original Ghost Rider story, which features John Blaze instead of Dan Ketch, another wise decision. How much of the Ghost Rider bloodline backstory involving Noble Kale that will make the cut of the movie (if any) remains to be seen. Perhaps it would be for the best if this portion of the story were excluded.

According to the same article, the villian for the film will be Blackheart, son of Mephisto. This is the appropriate choice, as Blackheart is Ghost Rider's biggest arch-nemesis and has the best storylines throughout the series of the comic.

At this point, it's all up in the air. Cage seems to be a big fan of the Ghost Rider comic. He apparently sports a Johnny Blaze tattoo and has been involved in this project for a long, long time. Sir Douchebag MSJ is a questionable addition to the project, but if the script they're working with is solid, he can't mess it up too much.

Time will tell. Ghost Rider features a deep, complex story with a lot of cool ideas and characters. Hopefully it won't be turned into a Punisher-style mindless shoot-em-up with a flaming dude on a motorcycle killing people. I mean, that would be cool and the 12 year old fanboy inside of me would shout for joy, but with something I love as much as Ghost Rider, I'd prefer something that will stand the test of time.

For every Hellboy there is a Hulk, Cage. You claim to be a true fan of the comic. Just remember that the next time you get a royalty check for "Honeymoon in Vegas," because us nerds will have your head if you screw this up.

9.16.2004

And so it begins

At a press conference today, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman confirmed what we all knew was coming: as of midnight today, the NHL has locked out the players' association, thus putting training camp and the 2004-2005 season on hold. I won't bother wasting space arguing which side is right and which side is wrong for whatever reason, because that's been done to death. The truth is both sides of the argument (as usually is the case) are filled with assholes who did little to avoid this scenario.

The real shame in all of this is that the NHL and its players are coming off of a fantastic and exciting NHL season and World Cup tournament, with record TV ratings in Canada. This is the third strike in NHL history, with the last one shortening the 94-95 season. The result of that strike was the disasterous collective bargaining agreement that lasted until now. With apparent record losses on behald of the NHL team owners, it's evident that the owners and the NHL are in no rush to budge in negotiations with the NHLPA.

This anticipated development is the sour note that caps off a fantastic year for the Lightning. With Vinny Lecavalier named the MVP of the World Cup of Hockey following Canada's victory in the tournament Tuesday night, the Lightning can add that to their list of trophies this year, including the MVP of the regular season of the NHL (Marty St. Louis) and the MVP of the playoffs (Brad Richards), not to mention the coach of the year honor for John Tortorella. Talk about a full trophy case.

But now the Bolts will be forced to wait for the puck to drop in the first game of the season until they can hoist their championship banner in the St. Pete Times Forum. The team's thousands of brand new season ticket holders will be forced to collect their money back and will probably lose their passing interest in the sport of hockey. And hockey fanatics such as myself will be forced to sit and wait for if and when.

But if there's one good piece of news out of all of this, it means that the Cup will remain uncontested in Tampa for a bit longer. As much as I hate to say this... I hope not too much longer.

9.08.2004

New HDTV + Hurricane = Severe Disappointment

Originally I was going to review the brand spankin' new ESPN NHL 2K5, which features our very own hometown hero Marty St. Louis on the cover and also sells for a budget-friendly $19.99 for PS2 and Xbox, but a little storm that you might not have heard about changed plans a bit... so I'll make it brief.

But yes, I reviewed ESPN NHL (2K4) here last year and, as you could have expected, 2K5 totally rules. They even added the ability to put custom songs to play during certain parts of the game... it's quite satisfying to hear "Another One Bites the Dust" when the opposing team gets a penalty, or "You've Got Another Thing Coming" during a fight.

And yes, a loser like me went online and found an even bigger loser who cut and edited all of the authentic goal songs for every team in the NHL. So now, it's pretty cool to hear Ric Flair scream "WOOO! THAT'S A CAROLINA HURRICANES GOAL! WOOO!" every time the Lightning's Southeastern Division rivals score one in their home arena. Sigh.

But to make things even better, my roommate and good buddy Brian picked up a nice little high-definition widescreen progressive scan TV. And oh yes: it rocks.

My fellow nerds, you have not experienced a true erection until you have let your senses become deluged in the infinitely gratifying display of an anamorphic widescreen presentation of a DVD featuring 480p progressive scan and true Dolby Digital 5.1 sound.

Then try playing Ninja Gaiden in 16x9 widescreen progressive scan.

Oh yes, my friends, it is quite magical. I realize that some of you may not be able to appreciate all of this jargon, so a picture will have to poorly suffice for those of you who more than likely don't give a shit.

hdtv


But then, in the midst of our excitement with Brian's new toy in the living room, a storm had to come along and ruin our fun and knock out the power. That's right: nothing but three sweaty guys sitting around with no air conditioning, staring at this giant TV that we had barely taken out of the box. Can't leave the house, can't cook a damn piece of food, you're left to find your own source of fun.

And so what do you do to pass the time during a storm? Well...

...So after setting the mood with my roommates with plenty of candles carefully placed about in a dark, powerless room, we were ready for some hot lovin'. I even had my MP3 player hooked up to some non-powered speakers so we could rock out to some Huey Lewis and the News - because nothing says gay sex with your roommates during a storm like "Sports."

But just when things were about to get good, alas, the power returned and the moment was over. Our attention returned to the pile of technology in our living room that had captured our hearts, as memories of our forbidden love and what could have been quickly drifted into the subconcious. Oh, cruel fate.

Yeah, storms make ya weird.

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Reverend Hughes