3.25.2004
Taco Bell: Doing its part to end world hunger
Now this is nothing new to all of you, but I'm a cheap bastard. I enjoy sitting on my pile of money and being stingy, sure. So it should be no surprise that I would advocate food that makes you shit in two seconds and offers no nutritional value, all for the sake of convenience, taste, and value.
Okay, so maybe I don't have the best diet, and maybe butt-pee isn't the most pleasurable experience of the land, but that's all irrelevant. The point of all this is as follows:
Drunk young people of America today would go hungry at 2am if it weren't for Taco Bell.
I hear all this talk about the 18-35 demographic and how elusive it is and how much companies are trying to grab a hold of them to buy their products. I say the truth is Taco Bell secretly has this market cornered. But don't take my word for it... here's a chart that proves it:
I have no problem supporting Taco Bell. I placed my stock in Taco Bell a long time ago. That's right, I saw Demolition Man, and I know all about the franchise wars.
There's a good reason that Taco Bell will become the only remaining restaurant in the next 30 years. Taco Bell offers food to fill your stomach for pennies on the dollar. Sure, the quality may be shit, but the beauty of Taco Bell is it's like one of those diseases you get one time in your life, like chicken pox or mono. A few choice late night Taco Bell meals and your body will have built up an immunity to the bugs and critters that came out of the finger nails of the fine Taco Bell employee who made your meal. For this reason, you can't let one bad Taco Bell experience bring you down. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Stick with it, tough guy.
But I'll tell ya what really irks me: these assholes who are always protesting about how people picking the tomatoes that go into Taco Bell tacos get paid next to nothing. Do you really think that Taco Bell can go on charging next to nothing for their food if, God forbid, they paid people reasonable wages? Do you expect Taco Bell to charge reasonable prices for their meals? I'm an American. No, better yet, I'm a Taco Bell consuming American, and that means that I expect to pay less than I should for everything, especially my shitty ass tacos. It's my right.
Imagine a world where drunk 18-35 year olds wouldn't be able to scrounge up nickels, dimes and quarters to get their Taco Bell meal at 2am. Imagine if they had to find whole bills. Those poor souls would have to go to bed hungry and possibly wake up with a nasty hangover and an excessively empty stomach. How dare you try to deprive them of their Taco Bell consuming American qualities. HOW DARE YOU.
But fear not, my friends. Through all the protesting, Taco Bell has proven strong, thanks to the almighty American quarter, and the hands of the drunk 18-35 year olds that provide their quarters on a nightly basis. NO DRUNK 18-35 YEAR OLD WILL GO HUNGRY TONIGHT, MY FRIENDS.
And for the rest of you assholes who don't support the late night run for the border... just remember, come 2030, you'll all be eating Taco Bell, so you'd better learn to like it before Stallone comes out of his cryogenically frozen state to take on Wesley Snipes.
Now this is nothing new to all of you, but I'm a cheap bastard. I enjoy sitting on my pile of money and being stingy, sure. So it should be no surprise that I would advocate food that makes you shit in two seconds and offers no nutritional value, all for the sake of convenience, taste, and value.
Okay, so maybe I don't have the best diet, and maybe butt-pee isn't the most pleasurable experience of the land, but that's all irrelevant. The point of all this is as follows:
Drunk young people of America today would go hungry at 2am if it weren't for Taco Bell.
I hear all this talk about the 18-35 demographic and how elusive it is and how much companies are trying to grab a hold of them to buy their products. I say the truth is Taco Bell secretly has this market cornered. But don't take my word for it... here's a chart that proves it:
I have no problem supporting Taco Bell. I placed my stock in Taco Bell a long time ago. That's right, I saw Demolition Man, and I know all about the franchise wars.
There's a good reason that Taco Bell will become the only remaining restaurant in the next 30 years. Taco Bell offers food to fill your stomach for pennies on the dollar. Sure, the quality may be shit, but the beauty of Taco Bell is it's like one of those diseases you get one time in your life, like chicken pox or mono. A few choice late night Taco Bell meals and your body will have built up an immunity to the bugs and critters that came out of the finger nails of the fine Taco Bell employee who made your meal. For this reason, you can't let one bad Taco Bell experience bring you down. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Stick with it, tough guy.
But I'll tell ya what really irks me: these assholes who are always protesting about how people picking the tomatoes that go into Taco Bell tacos get paid next to nothing. Do you really think that Taco Bell can go on charging next to nothing for their food if, God forbid, they paid people reasonable wages? Do you expect Taco Bell to charge reasonable prices for their meals? I'm an American. No, better yet, I'm a Taco Bell consuming American, and that means that I expect to pay less than I should for everything, especially my shitty ass tacos. It's my right.
Imagine a world where drunk 18-35 year olds wouldn't be able to scrounge up nickels, dimes and quarters to get their Taco Bell meal at 2am. Imagine if they had to find whole bills. Those poor souls would have to go to bed hungry and possibly wake up with a nasty hangover and an excessively empty stomach. How dare you try to deprive them of their Taco Bell consuming American qualities. HOW DARE YOU.
But fear not, my friends. Through all the protesting, Taco Bell has proven strong, thanks to the almighty American quarter, and the hands of the drunk 18-35 year olds that provide their quarters on a nightly basis. NO DRUNK 18-35 YEAR OLD WILL GO HUNGRY TONIGHT, MY FRIENDS.
And for the rest of you assholes who don't support the late night run for the border... just remember, come 2030, you'll all be eating Taco Bell, so you'd better learn to like it before Stallone comes out of his cryogenically frozen state to take on Wesley Snipes.
3.19.2004
Filler
Since I've been too busy playing Unreal Tournament 2004 and that inhibits me from coming up with any real, justifiable content, here's some random shit.
Following the success of the passion, executives are working on other Jesus-themed films
Look for 0069 Agent Justin Johnson in the upcoming adult film "Hot Lunch," a Hung Hughes production
And who's to blame for Neil's laziness? Of course... Frank Stallone.
Since I've been too busy playing Unreal Tournament 2004 and that inhibits me from coming up with any real, justifiable content, here's some random shit.
Following the success of the passion, executives are working on other Jesus-themed films
Look for 0069 Agent Justin Johnson in the upcoming adult film "Hot Lunch," a Hung Hughes production
And who's to blame for Neil's laziness? Of course... Frank Stallone.
3.12.2004
TechTV, hot nerd girls and bukkake
Well, I'm home on spring break, and for me that means one thing and one thing only: TechTV.
That's right, in between my spouts of sleeping and playing Ninja Gaiden and MGS: Twin Snakes, my television can be found permanently tuned in to the holy grail of nerd-related television. It's probably a damn good thing that I don't get TechTV back up in Gainesville, because, as my trips home prove, I can never get enough technology-related entertainment.
My love affair with TechTV began long ago when our basic cable provider began offering a station known as ZDTV (then owned by ZDNet). Much like the early days of SciFi or Comedy Central, there was a rotation of four or five shows that played at least three times a day, and damn it all to hell if I didn't watch them at least twice before the day was up. I even watched the unwatchable shows, like "Silicon Spin," hosted by John C. Dvorak. I don't know if he's the same guy who invented the DVORAK keyboard, but I know his Crossfire-style show about the tech industry was the painful half hour between Fresh Gear and GameSpot TV.
ZDTV lost too much money on the station and sold it, with the name changing to TechTV, and the station overhauled and revamped. In reality, not much has changed. It's still a horrible channel with a talent pool of about 10 people total who get whored out to every other show on the station. They all must work their asses off, since you see them on that station 24 hours a day in various forms, particuarly Kevin Rose, Morgan Webb, Chris Leary, and the asian guy with a mole beneath his nose who's an expert on digital cameras. His name escapes me, but his face will never.
Kevin Rose, by the way, hosts a cool Internet hacking show over at thebroken.org which is quite entertaining and definitely worth your time.
But the beauty of TechTV is how it can make you attracted to girls you ordinarily wouldn't take a second glance at. With a talent pool so small, you're forced to watch the same women multiple times a day talking to you about videogames, computers, and tech news. Something about a tech-savvy girl gets nerds everywhere popping wood, so much so that Playboy is going to feature one of the girls on their Web site in a few months. Whoa.
Seriously, never underestimate nerds when it comes to these things. Cat Schwartz (who helps out on Call For Help, along with doing a bunch of other stuff) posted some pictures on her blog of herself where she had cropped out her own boobs. Nerds, understanding the intricacies of Adobe Photoshop, knew that the original, full pictures were saved in thumbnail format via Photoshop. Not minutes after Cat posted the pictures of herself, she had inadvertantly plastered her boobs all over the Internet.
I met the girl who is apparently the nerds' TechTV favorite at E3 a few years ago: Morgan Webb. Not surprisingly, she really wasn't all that much to look at (although I think Adam Sessler drags her down), but it doesn't matter, because as a nerd, you could not refuse sex from a remotely-attractive girl who talks about videogames for a full half hour five nights a week. It's impossible. And so, like everyone, I am a slave to Morgan Webb (along with Sarah Lane, Cat Schwartz, and the rest of the gang)
But the real gem of TechTV is its late night talk show "Unscrewed," hosted by Martin Sargent. Martin got away from Leo and Patrick over at the Screen Savers to host a show that will make the inner-geek in you tingle with joy. How can you not be happy when you see an interview with Drew Curtis from Fark.com or the guys who created Red vs. Blue, especially when it's airing on national TV? Fantastic. And I always have to give props to a show that reguarly says nerd gross-out jargon like "menzies," "bukkake," or "goatse" without being censored or acting like what they just said was a big deal.
If you don't get TechTV, their Web site is a valuable resource anyhow, since everything they tell you how to do on the air is explained in depth online.
Well, I'm home on spring break, and for me that means one thing and one thing only: TechTV.
That's right, in between my spouts of sleeping and playing Ninja Gaiden and MGS: Twin Snakes, my television can be found permanently tuned in to the holy grail of nerd-related television. It's probably a damn good thing that I don't get TechTV back up in Gainesville, because, as my trips home prove, I can never get enough technology-related entertainment.
My love affair with TechTV began long ago when our basic cable provider began offering a station known as ZDTV (then owned by ZDNet). Much like the early days of SciFi or Comedy Central, there was a rotation of four or five shows that played at least three times a day, and damn it all to hell if I didn't watch them at least twice before the day was up. I even watched the unwatchable shows, like "Silicon Spin," hosted by John C. Dvorak. I don't know if he's the same guy who invented the DVORAK keyboard, but I know his Crossfire-style show about the tech industry was the painful half hour between Fresh Gear and GameSpot TV.
ZDTV lost too much money on the station and sold it, with the name changing to TechTV, and the station overhauled and revamped. In reality, not much has changed. It's still a horrible channel with a talent pool of about 10 people total who get whored out to every other show on the station. They all must work their asses off, since you see them on that station 24 hours a day in various forms, particuarly Kevin Rose, Morgan Webb, Chris Leary, and the asian guy with a mole beneath his nose who's an expert on digital cameras. His name escapes me, but his face will never.
Kevin Rose, by the way, hosts a cool Internet hacking show over at thebroken.org which is quite entertaining and definitely worth your time.
But the beauty of TechTV is how it can make you attracted to girls you ordinarily wouldn't take a second glance at. With a talent pool so small, you're forced to watch the same women multiple times a day talking to you about videogames, computers, and tech news. Something about a tech-savvy girl gets nerds everywhere popping wood, so much so that Playboy is going to feature one of the girls on their Web site in a few months. Whoa.
Seriously, never underestimate nerds when it comes to these things. Cat Schwartz (who helps out on Call For Help, along with doing a bunch of other stuff) posted some pictures on her blog of herself where she had cropped out her own boobs. Nerds, understanding the intricacies of Adobe Photoshop, knew that the original, full pictures were saved in thumbnail format via Photoshop. Not minutes after Cat posted the pictures of herself, she had inadvertantly plastered her boobs all over the Internet.
I met the girl who is apparently the nerds' TechTV favorite at E3 a few years ago: Morgan Webb. Not surprisingly, she really wasn't all that much to look at (although I think Adam Sessler drags her down), but it doesn't matter, because as a nerd, you could not refuse sex from a remotely-attractive girl who talks about videogames for a full half hour five nights a week. It's impossible. And so, like everyone, I am a slave to Morgan Webb (along with Sarah Lane, Cat Schwartz, and the rest of the gang)
But the real gem of TechTV is its late night talk show "Unscrewed," hosted by Martin Sargent. Martin got away from Leo and Patrick over at the Screen Savers to host a show that will make the inner-geek in you tingle with joy. How can you not be happy when you see an interview with Drew Curtis from Fark.com or the guys who created Red vs. Blue, especially when it's airing on national TV? Fantastic. And I always have to give props to a show that reguarly says nerd gross-out jargon like "menzies," "bukkake," or "goatse" without being censored or acting like what they just said was a big deal.
If you don't get TechTV, their Web site is a valuable resource anyhow, since everything they tell you how to do on the air is explained in depth online.
3.05.2004
The return of shit you don't care about
Been too damn busy to write any content that required any thought, time or energy on my part, but that ends... at least for now.
Thanks to some great discounts and rebates at EB, I found enough money to afford Ninja Gaiden for Xbox this week. Never has a game stirred up such hatred and enjoyment within me at the same time. If you're interested in a challenge not seen since the days of, well, Ninja Gaiden for NES, pick it up. I'll put a review up here once I get good enough to beat the game.
But for the past month, a good portion of my life has been occupied by the Unreal Tournament 2004 demo. I was a big fan of the original Unreal Tournament when it came out back in 1999. Released within a month of the equally-outstanding Quake III Arena, Unreal Tournament was one of those games that took the concept of deathmatch and online play to another level. It stood the test of time well enough to be popular up until the release of Unreal Tournament 2003.
Ah yes, Unreal Tournament 2003, the disappointment of the millennium. While mildly entertaining, UT2K3 lost virtually all of the feel, style, and inherent fun of the original UT99. The addition of the "boming run" mode was stupid and pointless, and the losses of both the sniper rifle and Assault mode pretty much closed the coffin. Add in the modified weapons that felt nothing like their UT99 counterparts and it made for one big mess.
The Unreal franchise took another blow with the release of Unreal II six months after Unreal Tournament 2003. Unreal II (which I picked as my most disappointing game of last year) was a disaster of Epic proportions (pardon the pun).
What a difference a year and a half makes.
Now I'm not sure if UT2K4 is what 2K3 was supposed to be, or if Epic realized the error of their ways in last year's game, but 2K4 is leaps and bounds beyond 2K3, all thanks to one key addition: Onlsaught mode.
What is Onlsaught? Take the feel and level design of UT99, add in vehicles and a BF1942-ish conquest mode, and throw in up to 32 players online, creating one of the most exciting and frantic online experiences you'll ever have with a PC game.
The objective is to control a series of connected power nodes on the map. You can only control a power node once you have taken over and powered up a previous node that connects to it. The first power node connects to your main base, the same goes for your enemy's base. The goal is to control some combination (or perhaps all) of the power nodes to take over that last node that connects to the enemy base. Once you have access to the base, you can attack their power core. Get the power core down to zero and your team wins.
Whew. A bit hard to explain, as you can see, but jump into the action and you'll end up getting it pretty quick with the help of my piss-poor instructions.
It will be interesting to see if the rest of the Onslaught maps (six in all) included in the final version of the game will be as exciting and even as the one included with the demo, ONS-Torlan. One cannot help but remember Wake Island from the Battlefield 1942 demo and how it ended up being the only map people wanted to play online even with the final product.
UT2K4 recently went gold and ships in two weeks. In the meantime, I'll be pancaking people in the Manta.
Been too damn busy to write any content that required any thought, time or energy on my part, but that ends... at least for now.
Thanks to some great discounts and rebates at EB, I found enough money to afford Ninja Gaiden for Xbox this week. Never has a game stirred up such hatred and enjoyment within me at the same time. If you're interested in a challenge not seen since the days of, well, Ninja Gaiden for NES, pick it up. I'll put a review up here once I get good enough to beat the game.
But for the past month, a good portion of my life has been occupied by the Unreal Tournament 2004 demo. I was a big fan of the original Unreal Tournament when it came out back in 1999. Released within a month of the equally-outstanding Quake III Arena, Unreal Tournament was one of those games that took the concept of deathmatch and online play to another level. It stood the test of time well enough to be popular up until the release of Unreal Tournament 2003.
Ah yes, Unreal Tournament 2003, the disappointment of the millennium. While mildly entertaining, UT2K3 lost virtually all of the feel, style, and inherent fun of the original UT99. The addition of the "boming run" mode was stupid and pointless, and the losses of both the sniper rifle and Assault mode pretty much closed the coffin. Add in the modified weapons that felt nothing like their UT99 counterparts and it made for one big mess.
The Unreal franchise took another blow with the release of Unreal II six months after Unreal Tournament 2003. Unreal II (which I picked as my most disappointing game of last year) was a disaster of Epic proportions (pardon the pun).
What a difference a year and a half makes.
Now I'm not sure if UT2K4 is what 2K3 was supposed to be, or if Epic realized the error of their ways in last year's game, but 2K4 is leaps and bounds beyond 2K3, all thanks to one key addition: Onlsaught mode.
What is Onlsaught? Take the feel and level design of UT99, add in vehicles and a BF1942-ish conquest mode, and throw in up to 32 players online, creating one of the most exciting and frantic online experiences you'll ever have with a PC game.
The objective is to control a series of connected power nodes on the map. You can only control a power node once you have taken over and powered up a previous node that connects to it. The first power node connects to your main base, the same goes for your enemy's base. The goal is to control some combination (or perhaps all) of the power nodes to take over that last node that connects to the enemy base. Once you have access to the base, you can attack their power core. Get the power core down to zero and your team wins.
Whew. A bit hard to explain, as you can see, but jump into the action and you'll end up getting it pretty quick with the help of my piss-poor instructions.
It will be interesting to see if the rest of the Onslaught maps (six in all) included in the final version of the game will be as exciting and even as the one included with the demo, ONS-Torlan. One cannot help but remember Wake Island from the Battlefield 1942 demo and how it ended up being the only map people wanted to play online even with the final product.
UT2K4 recently went gold and ships in two weeks. In the meantime, I'll be pancaking people in the Manta.
|
2003 - 2005 Reverend Hughes |
