Taco Bell: Doing its part to end world hunger

Now this is nothing new to all of you, but I'm a cheap bastard. I enjoy sitting on my pile of money and being stingy, sure. So it should be no surprise that I would advocate food that makes you shit in two seconds and offers no nutritional value, all for the sake of convenience, taste, and value.

Okay, so maybe I don't have the best diet, and maybe butt-pee isn't the most pleasurable experience of the land, but that's all irrelevant. The point of all this is as follows:

Drunk young people of America today would go hungry at 2am if it weren't for Taco Bell.

I hear all this talk about the 18-35 demographic and how elusive it is and how much companies are trying to grab a hold of them to buy their products. I say the truth is Taco Bell secretly has this market cornered. But don't take my word for it... here's a chart that proves it:

charts are never wrong

I have no problem supporting Taco Bell. I placed my stock in Taco Bell a long time ago. That's right, I saw Demolition Man, and I know all about the franchise wars.

There's a good reason that Taco Bell will become the only remaining restaurant in the next 30 years. Taco Bell offers food to fill your stomach for pennies on the dollar. Sure, the quality may be shit, but the beauty of Taco Bell is it's like one of those diseases you get one time in your life, like chicken pox or mono. A few choice late night Taco Bell meals and your body will have built up an immunity to the bugs and critters that came out of the finger nails of the fine Taco Bell employee who made your meal. For this reason, you can't let one bad Taco Bell experience bring you down. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Stick with it, tough guy.

screw youBut I'll tell ya what really irks me: these assholes who are always protesting about how people picking the tomatoes that go into Taco Bell tacos get paid next to nothing. Do you really think that Taco Bell can go on charging next to nothing for their food if, God forbid, they paid people reasonable wages? Do you expect Taco Bell to charge reasonable prices for their meals? I'm an American. No, better yet, I'm a Taco Bell consuming American, and that means that I expect to pay less than I should for everything, especially my shitty ass tacos. It's my right.

Imagine a world where drunk 18-35 year olds wouldn't be able to scrounge up nickels, dimes and quarters to get their Taco Bell meal at 2am. Imagine if they had to find whole bills. Those poor souls would have to go to bed hungry and possibly wake up with a nasty hangover and an excessively empty stomach. How dare you try to deprive them of their Taco Bell consuming American qualities. HOW DARE YOU.

But fear not, my friends. Through all the protesting, Taco Bell has proven strong, thanks to the almighty American quarter, and the hands of the drunk 18-35 year olds that provide their quarters on a nightly basis. NO DRUNK 18-35 YEAR OLD WILL GO HUNGRY TONIGHT, MY FRIENDS.

And for the rest of you assholes who don't support the late night run for the border... just remember, come 2030, you'll all be eating Taco Bell, so you'd better learn to like it before Stallone comes out of his cryogenically frozen state to take on Wesley Snipes.

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2003 - 2005
Reverend Hughes