Saturday Night's Alright (for arresting) 

I've never understood cops that, in the process of breaking up weekend parties, insist on being dickheads. There's hundreds of drunk people stumbling around in an apartment or someone's backyard, and this guy's way of solving the problem is flying in solo and arresting people. Sucks for the one or two people who get nabbed, but what's one guy gonna do? Throw 200 people in jail?

Granted, in Gainesville, most of the guys in the police force are pretty cool. Take the time one of my old, randomly paired roommates called the cops on me. Yeah, that's right -- called the cops, in his own apartment.

I had around 6 buddies in town, so a few of us sat down to watch a DVD where guys dressed in monster costumes wrestled each other in a ring surrounded by small-scale cities made of cardboard. Totally awesome. So this weird roommate who I never really talked to came into the apartment with his fat-ass girlfriend and another guy. The 10-or-so of my crew were in the living room, watching things on his DVD player, while he and his two comrades sat in the kitchen and stared into the adjacent living room. I guess they were staring at us in anger or something, they never really made it very clear, nor did they say anything.

After about 15 minutes, they suspiciously left and slammed the front door. Not 20 minutes later, two police officers showed up. Beer in hand, I joined them outside.

"We got a complaint about the noise," one cop said, laughing. "But it must have been a prank, because obviously there's nothing going on here. Let me see your ID."

They made sure I didn't have any outstanding warrants or anything, and then they left. A couple of kids drinking and watching TV was the least of their problems. They were cool about it. But not all of them are.

Even if a cop is a prick, these guys are the law. You can't exactly tell them how you feel about their attitude. So you don't really get the opportunity very often to see Officer Power Trip put in his humble place.

There was a pretty cool shindig going on at a house a few blocks from me this past weekend, complete with a live jam band that did an extended funky rendition of the Inspector Gadget theme song. So we trekked over there and had a few gentlemen's sodas around the bonfire. Granted, things did get out of hand -- some kid was doing fire-breathing tricks, a foreign-exchange student from Hungary was jumping over the bonfire, and random kids were jumping off of the roof of the house. So, it wasn't long before Johnny Law showed up.

This was a short, fat guy who looked like Officer I-need-a-liter-of-cola Farva from "Super Troopers." He didn't have any backup, and he strutted into the backyard, right up to the only two moron underage drinkers who didn't scamper from his path.

"You two," he said, pointing at them. "Let me see your identification."

He started barking orders, asking for the owners of the house. Before anyone could find them, he was on his radio. "We need the fire department out here," he said, staring at a flaming log that even Smokey the Bear would approve. "There's a fire that's getting out of control." The Hungarian girl grabbed a half-bucket of water and doused the smoldering log.

The cop got what he wanted, I guess -- everyone was in a panic, scrambling to find the owners. As the cop waited for them, a stumbling drunk patron sidled up to him.

"HEY!" he said. "I know you!"

Officer Farva gave him a dumbfounded look. "What are you talking about?"

"You were at 'Hamilton Jai-Alai and Poker' last night!" the kid said. "You lost a SHITLOAD of money!"

You could literally see any sense of authority the cop felt he had totally wiped from his face. "Um, no... it wasn't me," he said.

"Well then it must have been your partner," the drunk guy said. "You sat right across from me at the poker table, we kicked your asses."

Before the cop could respond, a loud scratching came from the roof. Yet another roof-jumper was looking to injure his drunken self, but upon making his way onto the roof, he apparently missed the arrival of the police.

"Hey guys!" he yelled, before realizing a cop was standing right below him. "Oh shit!" He scampered back up the roof and into the window from whence he came.

After that, the cop realized he had pretty much no leverage here, and talked pretty straight to the owners of the house. It was just great to see some drunk gambler make the cop look like an ass.

As for the two underage drinkers, they got arrested.

And my douchebag roommate from a few years ago? Rather than deal with confrontation for his actions, he posted multiple notes around the apartment the next day that read "Don't use my DVD player." And I think someone peed on his bed once, or something. But I heard he was into that sort of thing.

Creative Commons License


2003 - 2005
Reverend Hughes