We interrupt this extended leisurely break to bring you an important bit of news:

A few months ago, I exposed Dave Matthews for the fraud he is in one of my more hard-hitting investigative pieces of high-brow journalism. The response was phenomenal and I'm glad I could do something to get the word out.

Unfortunately, these are dangerous times. We live in a world where the threat of Dave Matthews is always upon us. We may have only been attacked once, but Dave Matthews is a relentless force that can clearly operate via independent cells with little to no communication between each other.


Frightening fecal findings
Anti-Dave intelligence wires had picked up an increased level of communication, or "shit talk," as it's called in these circles. No real cause for alarm though - these sorts of things usually happen around the time of a new album coming out. An album which itself was a big pile of dookie thrown at consumers. Increased chatter, in this case, was no real cause for alarm...

...until a field agent stumbled upon this:



That's right, Ben and Jerry's "harmonic blend of raspberries and brownies." Does anyone else see something wrong with this? Dave Matthews encourages us to "lick global warming." I doubt he'll ask us to lick global defecating anytime soon. He'd rather we just sit there and take it. Sick bastard.


The risk
We've always been under the suspicion that Dave Matthews' activities may be supported by foreign countries, particularly the Axis of Dung. But while state sponsored Dave Matthews activities were to be expected, we never thought Dave Matthews would find a corporate sponsor to do his bidding.

As a result, I've been given no choice but to upgrade the Dave Matthews Poop Terror Alert System to an unprecedented off-the-charts warning of "Shitstorm '05." Civilians should be on high alert.




How to protect yourself and your loved ones
The best thing to do is prepare for and expect the worst. Dave Matthews can strike at any time and he operates under the guise of a legitimate performer. Keep on top of his travels by keeping a copy of his tour dates handy. It's the best warning we have to a potential location for a strike.

Keep plenty of supplies on-hand, including toilet paper, disinfectant, duct tape, and any other emergency cleaning products you can find. Remember, the days before a Dave Matthews show comes into town are when these products usually sell out. You don't want to be stuck, so make sure you stock up early to ensure your safety.

Also, owning a Washlet wouldn't hurt your cause.


How can I help?
Times like these always bring out the best in us who hate bad music. It's quite amazing how a common hatred of having diarrhea dumped on us can bring us so close, and it's important that we use this time of bonding to spread the word. Let everyone know the truth about Dave Matthews.

You can help to publicize this by posting these fliers I have created. Let the world know that Dave Matthews is pooping on them. Download a copy here and get to printing and posting before it's too late! I've also made a copy available in black and white so you don't kill your printers.

Alright, alright. Brace yourselves. I know y'all want more pics of Dave Matthews spraying shit on stuff, so here we go...







Alright, I'm going to hell for that one. Enjoy, assholes.