Death's design 

An unnecessarily large number of matches in Halo 2 on Xbox Live will lead you into some interestingly morbid topics of discussion. Case in point earlier tonight:

Brian, having finished a matchup, handed my Xbox controller back to me, dripping with sweat. As I wiped off my palms on my pants in disgust, I remarked to Brian, "You know, you're gonna die of a heart attack. You're gonna do it to yourself, you're gonna stress yourself out, you're gonna die, and it's gonna suck."

And although I don't have any real proven soothsaying powers, Brian realized I spoke the truth and reluctantly agreed. If a match in Halo can produce that much sweat, imagine what a job will do to you.

"It'll probably happen at 42," Alex told Brian. "Yeah, that sounds like a good number."

Ah yes, Alex: our lovable-yet-clumsy-as-shit guest for the evening. Alex just finished up healing her face, which featured a scab on the forehead and nose and a black, swollen eye. You'd think someone rubbed sandpaper on her face and then smacked her with a sock full of oranges, but no, it was from an encounter with a ferocious two foot wave.

Besides, I was just joking with Brian. She had to go all serious on us and give us a specific age for him to croak. That made the whole thing a lot more depressing. She had her own death coming to her for that one.

"You're gonna die of something stupid," I told her. "Something really God damn stupid. You'll probably fall off of a building. And it'll happen really soon."

How did this conversation become so mean-spirited?

I then realized it wasn't fair that I had dished out the skinny on their demises without having my just desserts returned to me. I asked Brian for some input. After pondering for a bit, he came to an answer.

"You're going to end up in jail for killing someone in a crime of passion," he said. "Then someone will kill you when you end up in jail. But not before he rapes you."

Even in conjured up predictions of my demise, it's nice to see people like me wherever I go in life.

But it wasn't all depressing. I've always wanted to be convicted in a crime of passion. Plus, his story was much better than how it always ends in my nightmares: when I'm in prison and I get raped by Shaq.

Wait a minute...

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2003 - 2005
Reverend Hughes